WTF Wednesday?

It's so very rare these days that I get to actually blog about my day thanks to all the internet privacy laws my job has and all the hurt feelings people get when I bitch about them. So the fact that I can sit down and blog about my evening's capers without any of the assholes involved reading this is quite satisfactory.

My day started out the way they so rarely do...with a pilates DVD. I've given myself a 9 p.m. (believe it or not I just looked up on ehow.com to see whether it's 9PM, 9 PM, 9pm, 9 pm, or 9 p.m. just so I didn't look like a douche online) laptop curfew which means no internet surfing or blog typing keeping me up all night. I have a horrible habit of getting caught up online looking at addicting websites like cracked.com or lamebook.com and then before I know it, the clock reads 11 p.m. and I've already docked an hour of sleep from my night. I gave myself a curfew and then tried to break it the very first night, but I was firm with myself and shut my laptop at 9:06 p.m. See, now that I know the correct way to type it, I will be using it a lot.

So I was in bed early enough to wake up early enough to do my DVD. Now this DVD is pretty basic. It's 30 minutes with 10 minutes of abs, butt, and thigh workouts. Back when I was "in shape" I'd punch out this DVD without breaking a sweat and feel like I wasn't actually doing anything. NOW...now that I'm a lazy piece of shit who makes it to the gym 3 times a month instead of 5 times a week...well, it burns. And it's hard. The girl says "Now keep those legs up there" and I yell a string of explicatives at her that would make a sailor blush.

After my "work out" I got ready for work. Looking for clothes to wear when the pile in the basket reaches the bottom of the clothes that are hung up is not an easy undertaking. That means my ratio of dirty to clean clothes is way off and I will be dressing up for work today. For people who work in a business very casual office that allows jeans...our dress pants rarely see the light of day. Usually just when all your jeans are crumpled up in the basket. Dress up day it is. Luckily I was having a good hair day...that was about the only thing that went right for me.

Work was pretty nondescript. Thanks to an email reminder from my boss that public slander about the company I work for is grounds for dismissal...that is all I am at liberty to say about it. I will not give any other information out about my job...suffice it to say that I work in an office. I will also divulge that I work the late shift so that means all winter long I get to drive home in the dark. Here is where the fun begins...

Today was not as butt-loving cold as yesterday so the walk to my car wasn't as wholly unpleasant as it's been all week. I didn't even have to sit in my ice cube of a car and freeze my ass off while it warmed up (i.e. thawed out enough to be drivable). It was looking to be a not-half-bad-hump-day. Then...the drive home...et cetera...

I wish I could sit in on the discussions the city of Madison has when they decide which roads will get the most maintenance during blizzard conditions. There has to be a discussion had in a room some where where someone decides where to send the plows and salt trucks so they aren't just driving around all willy nilly salting and plowing where ever the hell they feel like it. I wish I had sat in on that discussion and I could have had words with whoever decided University was not going to be one of the roads requiring attention.

University is one of the biggest main roads heading out of the downtown area. The traffic on that road rivals the Beltline at times. And yet...it is one of the WORST roads I've driven on since "the blizzard of 2010" as a friend of mine so coined it in his tweet. Why is there ice on that road right now? I have driven side roads with no ice. They are clear as a summer highway and yet this highly traveled road is covered in ice making it impossible to drive any faster than 22 mph no matter what the speed limit allows--which at times is 40 mph.

I decide to turn on Monroe/Nakoma which basically is a side street that cuts diagonally across the city and lets me get from downtown to the west side in under 30 minutes. I also take it because it's slower speeds and no hills. Safest in the winter time. Well, no hill save for one that you reach right before the 4-way lighted intersection. There is only one lane of traffic and it backs up to just about the bottom of the hill. Of course it does.

My car is a Pontiac. The tires are of average wear and tear. It is not a truck, SUV, or van. Sitting on icy hills is not what's best for my Jonesy (that's what I named her...Jonesy). I always drive in 3rd gear...but 3rd gear only helps when you're going down hills...not up them. Each time the car in front of me moved 3 feet I'd have to step on the gas just enough to spin my tires just enough to catch something and perhaps propel my car forward just enough without slamming it in to the ass end of the SUV in front of me. Then the SUV behind me decided to sit on my ass so were I to slide back, in any way...he'd need a new front end.

We played this game of stop and go for about 5 minutes before someone got smart and got out of their car. I was under the impression that it was just a slow light until cars started turning out of the lane and going the opposite direction. Finally I got on board and started to turn my car around and saw that four vehicles ahead of my car sat a parked SUV with no explanation as to why it was parked in the asshole lane causing the backup of evening commuters.

Deciding I was not going to slip and slide my way up that hill any longer...I turned my car around and followed the trail of vehicles hoping first, that they all knew where they were going...second, that it ended up where I needed to end up...and third, that the asshole behind me did not follow.

Followed by the asshole in the SUV, we took the scenic route which ended at a stop sign perpendicular to the light I needed to be at. It's just close enough to the intersection to make it absolutely impossible to turn left without someone from the oncoming traffic allowing you to get in. This only happens during the end of the work day commute of course.

When it was my turn to sit at the stop sign and play chicken with oncoming traffic...I decided to play it safe. It's fucking winter and the roads are shit right now...it's not the time to be an asshole and cut out in front of cars. Cars can't stop right now like they can in July. There's no time to dick around and hesitate. You've got to commit to your turn. You can't stop and then restart if you gauge the speed of the oncoming car wrong. You're bound to end up in an accident that way. It's safest just to wait until you have a nice gaping hole that you could fit a freight train through before you just plow on in and go.

Well, the asshole in the SUV behind me does not play the driving game the way I do and he honked at me when he thought I had missed an opportunity to go that he would have taken. WTF? Really? You're gonna honk at me for not risking my life for your precious extra 3 minutes you lost? What were you going to do with those 3 minutes asshole...take a little extra time to comb out your mullet when you get home? I did what any self-respecting lady would do and I flipped him the bird and then turned around and mouthed the words "fuck" and "you."

Finally I was able to turn...but only after pissing off an oncoming car because I didn't wait for the universal sign allowing me to go in front of them. Really...you can't make anyone happy in that scenario but yourself. Sometimes you just gotta go for it and hope the other car doesn't hit you.

Might I throw in the part where I wasn't able to pee at the end of the day because I was the only one covering the phones? I usually like to hold it if it's within 15 minutes of clock out time because that means I can just have my sweet release at home where I can make whatever sounds I want and it doesn't matter what end they come out of. It's really very comforting to be able to sit in your own home on your own toilet. Nothing beats it after a long day of using public toilets and holding in anything that may be unlady-like. Unfortunately what I forgot when I was "holding it for home" is that I had to stop at the store to pick some things up. So add to the trauma of winter driving...the trauma of a full bladder needing release...

At the set of lights that I needed to take to get to the store...I got stopped at a red. I was turning right. Last time I checked, as long as all is clear and there is no sign to the contrary...I was legally allowed to turn right at that red light. Yes, the traffic that was facing me and turning left had an arrow...however there are two lanes. If you're turning left, the law says you turn in to the lane closest to you. If the asshole in the red SUV was following the law...they should've been turning in to the lane closest to them which was the lane next to the one I had my sights on to turn right in to.

However...such is the life of Madison asshole drivers and the driver of the red SUV was not only cutting across all lanes of traffic, but actually turning right in to the shopping center, so as he's driving diagonally across traffic he has the fucking tenacity to honk at me because I was legally turning right in to the lane he had to cut across to get to the shopping center. Really asshole? A second fucking honk for obeying traffic laws. Fucking Madison crazy ass winter drivers. Forgive a person who's been in enough winter accidents to know better...

As I cautiously drive through the parking lot to the Dollar Store (hold on, we'll get to it) I almost get schmucked by another asshole in another sport utility vehicle who came darting around a snow bank. Seriously...I needed to get in to the store and out of the store and home in one piece...that was all I fucking asked of the evening and it couldn't even deliver me that.

Shopping at the dollar store is not something I enjoy doing. The crust of society shops there and when I'm in there that means I am part of that crust. Recently I have gone from "not a lot of money" to "dirt poor." I have actually gone hungry thanks to the weather and the lack of food in my apartment. Of course...no girl my size actually starves with reserves like I got...but it still sucks to feel hungry and not have ONE morsel of food...not even a can of corn...to eat.

At the dollar store, I'm rich! I grab things I would never grab at a fancy place like the Walmart...because, hey, it's a dollar! After grabbing my no-name brand essentials I take her up to the least scary looking cashier to be rung up. The girl ahead of me is nicely dressed and buying toiletry items. I overhear her explain to the cashier that she is buying those to "give to charity." I wanted to say...well hand them over you rich bitch because I'm buying this shit here for myself because I can't afford the finer things in life. To be honest I couldn't really afford the 16 dollars worth of shit I had in my basket...but Friday is payday and I figure I can hold out for one more day...

After dropping off my dignity at the dollar store I walked outside with my purchases of such items as Koop's yellow mustard, Colortex paper towels, and Lander mouthwash & gargle...and head to my car. Funny you should ask...yes, there WAS an SUV parked only 6 inches from my driver's side door! Really fucking great asshole. Glad you were able to get out on your side of the SUV. Not even an anorexic girl on her best day of no eating would be able to shimmy in to a car with only 6 inches of space. The car door alone wouldn't even give you 3 inches of clearance once it's opened.

So I huffed and I puffed and I threw my bags in to the back passenger seat of my car and then opened my front passenger side door. I cursed out loud the fact that I wasn't driving a 1983 Mercury Grand Marquis because then I could've just slid across the bench seat. As it was, I had to first get in to the passenger seat. Wearing oversized snow boots made the transition from right to left damn near impossible. I was able to grab my left foot and drop it over on the driver's side. Getting my winter-sized ass over the console was another story altogether...

Once I was sitting in the driver's seat all I had to do was get my right leg over the console. It sounds easy considering I'm practically a midget...but remember, I had on mammoth boots covered in snow that I didn't want to just schmear all over myself, my black dress pants, or my vehicle and a bladder that couldn't handle too much contortion for fear that it would empty itself, without asking me first, and then I'd be covered in my own urine. I was somehow able to grab my right boot and bend my leg in a way that allowed me to get it over the console and down in to it's correct position with only a minor graze of the pants and shifter. All that thanks to the last SUV-driving asshole.

I finally made it home and was barely able to make it in the door, drop my bags, take my nasty ass snow covered boots off, and RUN...not walk...to my bathroom to release my bladder. Ahhhhhh...sweet sweet release...

God what a fucking day this turned out to be. The lessons I learned were 1. Always pee before you leave work because you never know what kind of circus side show you'll be performing in before making it home. 2. Never be too proud to shop at the dollar store--that shit is cheap! And 3. I need to move where it's warm and gas prices are outrageous so I never have to deal with another asshole winter SUV driving mutherfucker!