Who you'd be today...
I thought about you today, as I often do, because on this day 4 years ago I spoke to you for the last time. It wasn't a long conversation but I remember every word of it. Our topic of conversation was her. I was not okay that you brought her with you. No one was. No one wanted her there because we knew what she had done to you and we didn't approve. We thought you deserved better and we were sad to see that you had forgiven her because we were not ready to. 
No one knew what you must have been going through on the inside. No one had any idea the demons you were facing. No one could have imagined that this would be the last time they would see you. No one was prepared for the decision you were going to make. No one...probably not even you.
If I could relive any day of my life...December 17th, 2006 would be that day. Of the 10,506 days I've been on this Earth...that is the ONLY day I would ask to go back and do over. You don't know how many times I've replayed that day over in my mind and wished I would've have done it differently. Had I known it was the last time I would ever see you again...
I don't know what I could have said to make you change your mind, but I would have tried. Even if what I said made no change in future events...being able to see you one more time to tell you how much I love you and how lucky I was to have had you as my big brother for 25 wonderful years of my life...I would take that.
But I wish more than anything that things would have gone differently. I wish I could have found the words that would have stopped your pain. I wish I could have said whatever it took to keep you out of that dark place where you felt alone. I wish I would have been able to convey the importance of your life to me and to everyone else who loves you. I wish I would have seen it coming because there is nothing I wouldn't do to stop it. To stop you from leaving me...leaving us all...behind...
You'd be coming out this weekend to celebrate our niece's 5th birthday. I bet you would've had a new woman...maybe even a new wife...because women always loved you. You would have told some really great stories and had all our family and friends laughing. You would have held your niece and smiled for the camera. She would have loved you the most and the rest of us would have been okay with that.
You'd be turning 30 in ten days and the party would have gone down in history. Everyone within a 50 mile radius would have showed up. All your friends would be there buying you shots of Doctor or Jager and slapping you on the back. I love your friends. And at some point you'd have your arm around me telling me how much you loved me like you always used to do when we'd go out. I'd probably get embarrassed and tell you to knock it off like I always used to do, but secretly I wouldn't have minded it.
But no one really knows who you'd be today. You left us too soon with too many questions unanswered. You broke our hearts and left us behind to pick up the pieces. I don't think you realized that ending your life meant transferring your pain and suffering to those of us who survived. Barely survived. We survive and continue to live for you.
We go on with our lives sharing moments together but always wishing you were still here to be a part of them. We grieve for you together. We grieve for you alone. We see the pain in each other's eyes and hear it in each other's voices. We want to be strong for each other so we smile through the pain.
We will carry our burden for the rest of our lives always wishing there was something we could have done to change things. But there is nothing we can do now no matter how hard we wish things could have been different. All we can do is love each other that much more and keep you in our hearts and in our minds. In our thoughts and in our prayers.
All I want in this entire world is one more day with you. To hear your laugh...to see your smile. I want to hug you one more time and tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you and much I hate you for leaving me. I would give everything I have to have you back with me. It's not fair that I have to go through life without you. I wish more than anything that I could just pick up the phone and call you right now instead of sit here and type this up because you'll never read it. I'll never get the chance to hear your voice again.
All I have left of you are my memories and the few photos left behind. I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe...hard to live...hard to go on without you. But I will. We all will. I will continue to live my life for you...for your memory...for the brothers and sisters I still have with me. For the parents who love me. For the friends and family I have surrounding me and supporting me. For everyone who ever loved you and who misses you still.
You are gone...but not forgotten. We love you. We miss you. And we'll see you again some day...
No one knew what you must have been going through on the inside. No one had any idea the demons you were facing. No one could have imagined that this would be the last time they would see you. No one was prepared for the decision you were going to make. No one...probably not even you.
If I could relive any day of my life...December 17th, 2006 would be that day. Of the 10,506 days I've been on this Earth...that is the ONLY day I would ask to go back and do over. You don't know how many times I've replayed that day over in my mind and wished I would've have done it differently. Had I known it was the last time I would ever see you again...
I don't know what I could have said to make you change your mind, but I would have tried. Even if what I said made no change in future events...being able to see you one more time to tell you how much I love you and how lucky I was to have had you as my big brother for 25 wonderful years of my life...I would take that.
But I wish more than anything that things would have gone differently. I wish I could have found the words that would have stopped your pain. I wish I could have said whatever it took to keep you out of that dark place where you felt alone. I wish I would have been able to convey the importance of your life to me and to everyone else who loves you. I wish I would have seen it coming because there is nothing I wouldn't do to stop it. To stop you from leaving me...leaving us all...behind...
You'd be coming out this weekend to celebrate our niece's 5th birthday. I bet you would've had a new woman...maybe even a new wife...because women always loved you. You would have told some really great stories and had all our family and friends laughing. You would have held your niece and smiled for the camera. She would have loved you the most and the rest of us would have been okay with that.
You'd be turning 30 in ten days and the party would have gone down in history. Everyone within a 50 mile radius would have showed up. All your friends would be there buying you shots of Doctor or Jager and slapping you on the back. I love your friends. And at some point you'd have your arm around me telling me how much you loved me like you always used to do when we'd go out. I'd probably get embarrassed and tell you to knock it off like I always used to do, but secretly I wouldn't have minded it.
But no one really knows who you'd be today. You left us too soon with too many questions unanswered. You broke our hearts and left us behind to pick up the pieces. I don't think you realized that ending your life meant transferring your pain and suffering to those of us who survived. Barely survived. We survive and continue to live for you.
We go on with our lives sharing moments together but always wishing you were still here to be a part of them. We grieve for you together. We grieve for you alone. We see the pain in each other's eyes and hear it in each other's voices. We want to be strong for each other so we smile through the pain.
We will carry our burden for the rest of our lives always wishing there was something we could have done to change things. But there is nothing we can do now no matter how hard we wish things could have been different. All we can do is love each other that much more and keep you in our hearts and in our minds. In our thoughts and in our prayers.
All I want in this entire world is one more day with you. To hear your laugh...to see your smile. I want to hug you one more time and tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you and much I hate you for leaving me. I would give everything I have to have you back with me. It's not fair that I have to go through life without you. I wish more than anything that I could just pick up the phone and call you right now instead of sit here and type this up because you'll never read it. I'll never get the chance to hear your voice again.
All I have left of you are my memories and the few photos left behind. I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe...hard to live...hard to go on without you. But I will. We all will. I will continue to live my life for you...for your memory...for the brothers and sisters I still have with me. For the parents who love me. For the friends and family I have surrounding me and supporting me. For everyone who ever loved you and who misses you still.
You are gone...but not forgotten. We love you. We miss you. And we'll see you again some day...
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