Stay...

Tell me again how you're not going anywhere.

I want to hear you promise that no matter what happens, we'll work through it.  I don't even know what that means.  I have no idea how big of a promise that may actually be.  I just know that I like the way it sounds. 

I like the way you sound when you say it.

People have been leaving me my whole life.  

My dad left me before I even knew who he was.  When I was 6 my best friend in the whole world left me to move far away.  Then my second best friend moved away.  Then my second dad moved away.  Then we moved away.

When I was in middle school my grade school friends left me.  When I was in high school my middle school friends left me.  Then I left.

Funny how people are always leaving me.  And then I leave them.

I fell in love in college.  For five years I fought really really hard to keep him in my life.  People were always leaving me.  I couldn't handle him leaving me.  I needed him to stay.  Against all odds.  And the harder I fought to keep him--to hold on to him, the harder he fought to leave me.  And he did, leave me, over and over again.  But he kept coming back.  And I thought I was winning.  He's back!  I did it!  He's mine again.  

Until one day, he left me...for good.  When he met her.  He ran to her.  And he stayed with her.  Is still with her.  I lost.  She won. 

And then I was alone.  So I left everyone.  Again.

Funny how leaving never helps you stay.

Just when I thought I might have found a place to stay, my brother left me.  Forever.  He left everyone.

I was in a dark place for a long time.  I put on a mask and I played the part, but I never truly lived it.  I lost so many more people over the years that followed.  Friends, co-workers, men.  People just kept leaving my life.  Only this time I didn't care.  I didn't need them.  I didn't need anyone.  

Until the day I did.

I needed myself.  I decided I had to stay with myself before anyone else would stay with me.  And so I spent a few years becoming the kind of person I'd want to stay with.  I did what I needed to do to get healthy mentally, physically, emotionally.  And I started finding new people to stay in my life.  

And there are many.  I have many wonderful people in my life.  And then they found someone to stay with them.  So even though they didn't leave me--they didn't need me as much as I needed them.  And I realized it was time.  It was time to find someone who needed me as much as I needed them.

And then I met you.

I'll admit...I'm impulsive.  Perhaps reckless.  Definitely passionate.  And forever dramatic.  I'm a fighter.  I can be stubborn.  I have been through a lifetime of people leaving me and it's made me stronger.  It's made me independent.  

But it's also caused me to build a wall.  I have to be cautious because I've been too trusting.  I know that.  I've given my trust to people who didn't deserve it and they've used it to their advantage.  I've been hurt.  A lot. Because I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I've given it away too freely.  And whenever someone leaves me they take a little bit of my heart with them.  

So yeah, maybe I do push people away.  Maybe that's just me trying to save what's left of my heart.  

What I need is someone to stay.  I've been searching my whole life for someone to stay.  

No one has stayed.  And some I didn't want to stay.  Some I really meant to push away.  But then I met you.  

“Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is.The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.” ― Kaleel Jamison, The Nibble Theory and the Kernel of Power

Maybe that's what I was doing.  Holding on too tight.  Too soon.  I can't help but want to hold tightly to something that makes me so happy.  I don't know any better.  Honestly.  I've never been able to hold on to anyone...so what makes me think I can just go ahead and start now?

But just because I'm terrible at holding on to someone doesn't mean that I want them to go.  

No.  I want you to stay.  And I hope you do.  Not because I asked you to.  Not because I need you to.  Because you want to.  

And maybe this isn't what I think it is.  Maybe I'm wrong.  

But then again...maybe I'm right.  

And I'm willing to stay and find out.