The honest truth about dating me...
However, men are just as crazy as we are! But shhh...don't tell them that because they handed that title to us long ago. I think it makes them feel better about themselves when a relationship ends. "OH well...that bitch crazy...that's why it's over..."
And we do the same thing..."Oh well he was an asshole..."
All women are crazy and all men are assholes. That is what I learned. The end.
Hahaha, I'm just fucking with you. That was no revolution there. I know I'm not the first person to come to that conclusion. And I also know I'm not the first person to realize I am crazy. But I think I'm crazy in a good way. Follow me on this one...I'll explain.
I've been on something like 15 first dates. Seven or eight second dates. And only three third+ dates. If you make it to the third date then we're officially going to make it a month--and not a day longer.
That seems to be my pattern. I go on a first date. If I don't hate you/aren't repulsed by you/decide I can stand another night with you/want a free meal or movie/or are actually genuinely interested in you--then ding ding ding, you win date number 2 with yours truly! I will honestly go on a first date with just about anyone who is half interesting and doesn't look like The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I'm a bit choosier for date two. Date three and I'm already exclusive in my crazy noodle I call a brain.
I usually know after date one if I'm going to want date three, but I give date 2 a "we'll see, maybe I was wrong" college try.
My first dates typically involve alcohol. Okay, they always involve alcohol. Not because I'm an alcoholic or need booze to have fun--but because I'm wound up so damn tight that I need something to loosen my asshole up or I'll be puckered all night and never really relax and enjoy myself. To date I've only had two dates where the guy remained sober. I've always had at least one drink (either before or during).
Most of them go as such, awkward first couple of conversations typically involve the traffic getting there, finding a parking spot, or what to eat/drink. Then we make some jokes about the people we've met online or whatever else to say "haha, so this one time I showed up and he was twice the size of his profile pics" sort of as a way to exhale out the fear you had before even walking in the door.
It's like our way of saying "thank god you're attractive/not ugly/look like your pics." Because let's be honest, all you have until you meet someone is whatever pics of themselves they threw up online and it could be any time frame there. Yesterday. Or high school.
And your first impression is ALWAYS how they look. Always. I like to walk in after the guy has already chosen the table because I HATE looking around for someone. I have this innate fear that they will see me and walk out the door. This way I have the power to do such--but I never have--of course.
But once we both relax and are talking, it's a matter of deciding if he's really making me laugh, if I'm making me laugh, or if I'm just laughing because it'd be silent if I didn't. The man who makes me laugh steals my heart from that very first smile. If our sense of humor does not immediately match up--I give it some time. Hope that one more drink will do it. But if at the end of the night I realize I fake laughed all night to be nice...yup...buh bye, and good luck to you.
Do we kiss at the end of the night? I've only kissed two guys on all of those first dates I've been on. Two. The two I felt "it" with the second I met them. The third guy I waited until the second date. Most guys get either a hug or just an awkward goodbye.
Sexy time? Only once. Yes--I've had many one night stands, but those are always just that. As for dating me...well, the one and only time I gave it up was the time I didn't have to work the next day and we drank copious amounts of alcohol. Luckily for me he was one of the ones who made it for several weeks. Unlucky for me...that relationship was purely sex. Sure we tried things like dinner and movies but it always ended in booze and booty. The other "third date" guys did get it rather quickly though. I don't wait. Although since I'm sitting here so shortly after a third failed attempt at forever...I guess maybe I should.
So I learned that I clearly give up the goods too early. And I think maybe "the one" won't be so lucky. Sorry future "the one."
The three "third date" guys all had one thing in common--I really liked spending time with them. They were attentive, attractive, and actually made me laugh. We had good times. I like physical contact. Touching, rubbing, hugging, holding hands. All three of them were like that. Not saying the other guys weren't, but when these other guys touched me I would recoil a bit. That's one of the ways I know I'm in to a guy. If his touch gives me the heebie jeebies...not gonna last. If, however, I melt when he traces my arm with his finger...done and done.
Another thing the "third date" guys have in common was their need for me. That sounds narcissistic maybe a little...but when a guy can't get enough of me...I can't get enough of him. I do not want to come on too strong in the beginning. I feel out how they seem to work. Yes, I always want to cuddle with you on the couch. Yes, I always want to hold your hand during the movie. Yes, I want you to stay over. Yes, I want to stay at your place. If you've made it to the third date--I'm yours. I want to spend as much time next to you as humanly possible.
I know we both have lives that we have to live. And I also know that it's healthy to take a couple days away. But that's about all I can handle in the beginning (at least I hope that's a "beginning" thing). I had one guy tell me that he felt like he was addicted to me because he needed to see me every couple of days or he got grumpy. Another guy just literally couldn't keep his hands to himself when he was with me. He was always grabbing my ass or coming up behind me and kissing my neck. The third guy could never just sit next to me on the couch. Always had to pull me over to him--usually to lay directly on him. And I was okay with all of that!
It's the honeymoon phase where you just can't get enough of the other person. I absolutely love that. I think it's absolutely necessary to help form that bond. And I sincerely hope it lasts longer than a month. That's all the longer I've made it so I just don't know.
So if you catch me during the time of one of these relationships where me and the guy are having all these really great moments...well I'm dancing on air. I'm running around singing "I've got sunshine on a cloudy day..." My Facebook statuses are all about him. I have nothing to complain about. Life is great. Life is wonderful. I'm blissfully happy. And I can't wait to see him again. I go out with my friends and I have to force myself to talk about something else besides this wonderful man I'm dating.
And it only takes three dates to get there. But it's not easy getting to that third date.
I have learned that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I lay all my cards on the table. I fill-in-the-blank-cliche that explains that I fall fast. And I fall hard. And I always always hurt myself in the process.
It's my pattern. I am picky as hell when it comes to men. I write to a LOT of men before I decide to meet just ONE. And I've been on a lot of first dates. But only three have made it past date two. So when I finally whittled it down to those guys who made it that far--they've gone through my rigorous product testing to make sure they are guys I would want to date. So once I have decided that this man's "on paper" is good and his "in life" is also good...I basically take my heart out of my chest and hand it over.
I have always done that. If you look through the men of my past who I didn't actually date, but perhaps slept with on a regular basis because they didn't want to date me...I hoped that maybe if I slept with them long enough they'd wear down and see how totally awesome I was and decide that they wanted to date me. That pattern was a tough one to break.
Most men I meet are not "good enough" for me. I will not settle for some schmuck. So when I find one who is above my bar--I am first impressed that I even found one, then happy that I did, and then excited to think that maybe he could be "it." And whether they ask for it or not--always not--I give them too much of myself.
My first couple high school boyfriends got absolutely nothing from me. Not really anyway. How one of them fell in love with me is a goddamn mystery because I held on to all my cards (including the V card) back then. It wasn't until college when I met "him" that I dropped my guard. The entire thing. I gave him my whole life for 5 years. And when he gave it back to me, I was crushed for years. I know this is a fault of mine. I don't trust anyone. But then when I do...it's too much.
I'm constantly torn between this girl who is insecure and afraid every man in her life will leave her and the woman who is bold, confident, knows what she wants, and is ready to find the man who deserves it!
The girl worries about her hair and makeup and how she looks. She always wants to look good for the guy so he doesn't see the "real her" without makeup and suddenly find her unattractive. She will do such stupid things like decline a co-ed shower, clench and suck in when the clothes are being removed, run and grab her clothes off the floor to get dressed right away. She won't see him if she's got a naked face for fear of the zits showing, the uneven skin, the freckles. Her hair is so important, it always has to be done.
The girl also worries about what she says and does. She doesn't want to say the wrong thing ever. She's afraid to tell the guy how she feels because she thinks he'll go running the other way. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings or his ego and will lie. She doesn't want to choose the wrong thing or swear at the wrong time or embarrass him in public. She is so very insecure and it's so tiring to have her living inside me. She's a whiny little thing who cries too easily.
That's why I have built up this strong and confident woman! She is trying to win the battle. She is the one who takes me to the gym at least 5 times a week. The one who goes online and searches for what she wants and doesn't wait to ask him out. She walks up to the table, slams down her purse, and says "hey there, glad to finally meet you." She is the one who is comfortable with seduction and comfortable with her body. If you don't like the way she looks, she doesn't need you.
And she is the one with the high standards who says fuck you to anyone who takes advantage of her, upsets her in any way, and definitely walks away from anyone who makes her cry. She doesn't allow her feelings to muck up what she's tried so hard to become. She is closed off and blocked because she won't allow a man to ruin things for her. She is happy just the way things are and if a man isn't somehow enhancing her life, she will walk away from him. She is kind of a cold-hearted bitch.
So when I'm in a relationship the guy gets to see both sides of me. Now if I had dated in my twenties, I might have found the happy medium between these two. I believe I am that person in my every day life...but when I get involved with a man I let my guard down and one or the other takes over. Just depends on the time of day I guess. There's no good rhyme or reason to when which one shows up. I should name these personalities...they are both so distinct.
The scared girl wants a man to take care of her. She likes to be coddled and spoken to sweetly. She likes getting hugs and being touched gently. She enjoys being snuggled up to at night. She likes when a man can fix things for her or reach for them or open them. She wants someone who is strong, and settled, and nice, and loyal. She keeps her conversations light and on the surface so as not to upset anyone.
She needs someone to make everything okay if she's upset. She always wants to make him happy. She would do anything to make him happy. She forgives quickly. She appreciates any little thing he will give her, time, gifts, kind words. But she hates confrontation.
She can't handle it when a guy gets angry, when he yells, definitely not when he drops the F-bomb on her. She retreats when there is conflict. She does not like to argue. She doesn't like to hear a man raise his voice at her. She hates to see anger or frustration in his eyes. She can't stand knowing she's upset someone. And she will do whatever it takes to make it all better.
She cries a lot.
And the woman...well she appreciates a man with a brain. One who thinks intellectually and can have good deep conversations. She will call a man out on his bullshit just as soon as hear about her own. She doesn't like shallow uninteresting men who are hung up on exes, prefer tall skinny bitches, or who don't know how to treat a women. She doesn't put up with shit and she knows exactly what she wants...in life, in a man, in bed. She knows her worth and that if a man doesn't then he's not worth her time.
She is fiercely loyal. She will stand up for anyone and will be strong for both her and her man if necessary. She enjoys having lots and lots of sex and will be angry with a selfish lover and most likely will end things just for that fact. She is not afraid to tell someone how she feels or what she wants. She will choose the restaurant and she will order a giant plate of pasta. She is stubborn and willful and opinionated. She needs someone who will challenge her but will also love her despite and because of this.
She will always come to the defense of the scared girl. If there is a disagreement she will get angry and defensive and will be the one who walks away in the end. The scared girl will always come running back to any sign of affection or any words of encouragement. She never wants to leave things on a bad note where the confident woman will walk the fuck out in the middle of the conversation. The woman does not put up with shit where the girl will put up with shit until the day she dies. The woman is about her happiness and only cares about how this affects her. The girl only worries about him. Lives to make him happy.
I know that both of these people reside inside of me because I have done all these things I just listed. Over the course of every relationship, every fuck-buddy situation, every guy who's made it to date three and beyond. I have seen every facet to my personality and because I don't have a hold on it yet--I have failed at everything I've tried.
But the one thing both sides of me has in common is that they both mean well, in the end. They both want the same thing--to meet a man, fall in love, get married, and make babies.
This is why I say I am crazy. I am multiple personality girl and any guy who falls in to my web of crazy is just lucky to get out alive I suppose. I never know which side of me the guy even likes half the time! So I spend my days being one person and then the other and that usually gets me one month with someone before they are tired of dealing with it. Or before I am tired of juggling.
And it doesn't help that when both sides of me fall for one man--well he never stands a chance. They fight over who gets him and I always lose. That's exactly what just happened to the last one. Half the time I was quiet and demure and self-conscious...and the other half I was demanding and pushy and trying to force what I wanted on him. No wonder he pushed back. At first I cried and begged and tried to fix it...and then I walked out. Self-mutha-fucking-sabotage at it's best folks!
I need to learn how to not fall so fast or hit so hard. I need a man who is patient and willing to help me balance my crazy. I'm not asking for someone to accept me as crazy. I'm a work in progress. I see the happy medium I need to reach. I just don't think I'll get there on my own. I can't very well teach myself how to be in a relationship if I'm not in one. People say you need to get your shit together and toss your baggage before you get in to a relationship, but the truth is, we all have baggage. We are all dealing with shit every day.
I prefer the quote that we are all crazy and just need to find someone who's your kind of crazy! We're all mad here, right? I mean...I have never met one guy who didn't have issues he was dealing with. Some were personal, some were professional. Trying to lose weight, trying to get promoted, anger issues, drinks too much, still getting over his ex, been cheated on, been lied to...whatever the case. There is no such thing as meeting a "normal" guy. None of them are normal. They are all dealing with their own shit. But I feel like I am one of the most accommodating people ever.
There isn't a whole lot you can tell me about yourself that will make me change my mind once I've decided on you. But you need to be willing to do the same for me. You need to accept that I'm new to serious relationships and need some time to figure out how it works. How I work. How we work. I need someone who will communicate effectively with me and won't automatically get frustrated and start yelling. I need someone who will listen to me when I talk and take what I say seriously and not just think...wow, this bitch cray. I am willing to love someone unconditionally as long as they provide me with the same thing.
Dating me cannot be an easy thing. But what I do know is I have a lot of love to give. I have high standards so if I've decided you meet them then just know that I will do whatever it takes to keep you. Unless you make it clear that you are not going to do the same. Relationships are work. From day fucking one. Sure, it may be fun and easy breezy in the beginning, but you can't start intertwining your life with someone else's without throwing out your expectations and following through on theirs if it's something you want to work.
My whole heart is ready to be given away. I guess I just have to learn how to do it in little pieces first. But if there is such a thing as a man who is willing to take me as I am right now and stick around as I become the perfect friend, lover, and eventually lifetime mate...then that right there...that's crazy!
And that is all I ask.
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