The words I couldn't say...

**Let me preface this blog by saying I actually wrote this in early March...but never published it.  It felt too depressing when I wanted to just be happy.  So I denied that there was any reason to be anything other than blissfully happy and I left it in the draft status.  But now that this phase of my life is over...I have nothing to lose by sharing how I felt...so here you go...**

Every time I see you is better than the time before. 

Because I keep thinking the next time I see you is going to be the last time.  

Maybe that's the trick.  Maybe spending every moment with someone like it might be the last time you see them is the way to discovering true happiness.  Live in the now.  That's what you taught me to do.

I keep getting myself ready to tell you goodbye.  

When I leave you in the morning I say goodbye not knowing when I will see you again.  Or if I will.  But we both know I can be a bit dramatic.  

You set a timer when we met.  You said you were doing this big thing that was going to take up all of your time.  You said I wouldn't be happy with what you could give me.  And at the time I agreed.  How could I be happy if I never saw you?

Busy.  Busy.  You're always busy.  

As much as I love spending time with you, I find myself alone a lot and I don't like it.  So I responded to a message from a guy who was attractive.  He had great blue eyes and a killer smile.  He is in to music, like you.  He found me attractive and intelligent and wanted to meet me so I suggested Valentine's Day.

I mean, we're not exclusive.  You practically gave me a date-other-people card.  So I set a date with him for Valentine's day and I decided to tell you goodbye.  I had to have the conversation.  I had to end it with you before I could move on.  

Or so I thought.

I got myself ready for this big talk and then you walked through my door.  I saw your face and I was so happy to see you.  You started talking to me casually and mentioning the next time you were going to come over because you had no idea what I couldn't say.  I smiled on the outside but my heart was defeated on the inside.  Here I was thinking tonight would be the last night you would ever come over and there you were talking about the next time...

But I couldn't do it.

You sat next to me.  You could tell something was wrong, but I lied and told you I was fine.  The thought of not getting the chance to be next to you on the couch and talk about anything and everything...  The thought of missing out on your crazy stories... The realization that I have never had this before with anyone...

I couldn't do it.  I decided that once this big life event took over that it would end things.  Why have "the talk?"  Why say goodbye when eventually you just would not have the time for me in your life?  So I said nothing.  I pretended everything was okay and I fell asleep with you wrapped in my arms and me laying on your chest.  

He drove over an hour to see me.  He was better looking in real life.  We went out for wings and beer.  He drank a lot.  I drank enough.  We went back to my place and he stayed the night.  I can't say I felt guilty.  I can't say I felt anything.  I realized that I just might be able to move on If I have someone to distract me...I might be able to forget about you for a minute.  For long enough to move on and maybe not miss you so much.

But that's the thing about minutes.  They are over pretty quickly.  And you messaged me to come over the very morning he left.  And the only thing I wanted in the world was to see you.  I had to tell you that I went on a date with someone.  I had to tell you that if you were not going to have time for me that I'd find someone who did.  

That night I walked in to your house, and when I saw you smile at me, I felt a tinge of what might resemble guilt.  When you asked me what I did that weekend, I lied and said I was out with friends.  This whole time I was ready to tell you that I met someone else and whether or not he and I saw each other again--that should be enough to prove to you that I am going to move on.  I'm taking my eggs out of your basket.

But instead we had another incredible night.  And when I woke up the next morning you said, are you free tomorrow?

I couldn't force the words out of my mouth.  I couldn't say goodbye no matter how hard I tried.  You would say something funny.  Your face would light up with another story.  I would learn more about your past and feel closer to you than before.  And then we fell asleep in each other's arms.  And in the middle of the night when we had turned away from each other, you pulled me back to you.

How could I ever say goodbye to that?  

So I didn't.  I won't.  I won't say goodbye first.  You are the one who will have to end this because I will want you as long as you want me.  I've never met anyone like you and I don't want to lose you if I don't have to.  So until you say goodbye, I will keep hoping that the next time isn't the last time.