You fell asleep...

I think you fell asleep.  Your breathing has deepened and you stopped tickling my hand.  

I dropped the arm that I was using to hold the arm you have wrapped around me.  I am thankful that you fell asleep because my arm was starting to get tired.  If you had stayed awake I would have switched positions, but since you fell asleep, I can just stop.  Not that I want to stop.  I could do this all night.  But I won't, because you fell asleep.

I wonder how fast it takes you to start dreaming.  I wonder what you dream about.

I am wide awake.

My mind races while I listen to you breathe in and out.  Your breath touches my cheek when you exhale, but I don't mind it.  

This is not the first time I have stayed awake when laying next to someone.  I find it is the only time that I can really be with them and not worry about what I am saying or doing or thinking or feeling.  This is my time to just enjoy and not have to worry about what to do next, say next, be next.  

This is still really new.  I am still feeling things out.  I am still trying to figure you out.  But I am myself when I am around you.  I am totally honest.  I am a little crazy.  I am always dramatic.  But I am more myself around you than I can remember being with anyone else.  When you fell asleep I realized that I could fall asleep too.  I realized that even though I have only known you for a short time, I am so comfortable around you that I can fall asleep.

But I would not be me if I did not stay awake and worry about something.  You fell asleep so easily, and while I want to join you, my mind still races.

I was not looking for someone like you.  I was looking for someone with a schedule so wide open that he would spend every waking minute with me.  I was looking for someone who would not only think about me all day, but would message me to tell me so.  I wanted someone who fell for me instantly and made me his life.  I wanted someone who told me to delete my profile because I was done searching.  

As I lay here thinking while you sleep, I realize that life does not work that way.  It will never work that way.  No one is perfect.  No one is perfect for me.  And it is never so easy as I want it to be.  

You told me that you like spending time with me.  You told me that you like me more than you thought you would.  And in the same breath you tell me that soon the day will come when you will not be there for me as much as I want.  That life is going to get in the way of whatever this is that we have started.  You tell me that I will not be happy with the time you are able to give me in a way that makes me think you know me better than any guy I have ever met...and yet we barely know each other.

Of course, you are right.  I don't even know how to respond to that besides to say, yes.  Yes, I know me.  That is how I am.  That is how I get.  When I find something I like, I hold on to it tight and do not want to let it go.  

But you have no idea how hard it was for me to find you.  

I was not looking for you.  I was looking for Mr. Perfect.  

But instead I found Mr. Noncommittal, Mr. Married, Mr. Too Recently Divorced, Mr. No Spark, Mr. Obsessed With Me, Mr. Politically and Religiously Opposite, Mr. Temper, Mr. Weirdo, Mr. Narcissistic, Mr. Mean, Mr. Judgey, Mr. Inflated Ego...  Not to mention the many Mr. Only Want To Sleep With Me's...

I was not looking for you.  

But then you found me.  

And then you messaged me.  You said I had the best profile.  You said I was incredibly adorable. You asked if I wanted to talk to you...

And here we are.  You fell asleep asleep after you told me you don't think you will be able to be for me what I want you to be.  You fell asleep after you said not to put all my eggs in your basket and that I should keep looking.  You fell asleep after you told me not to wait for you.  

You fell asleep but I lay awake.

I lay awake not upset, not hurt...but still unable to sleep.  I don't know how I feel.  You are right, of course.  I should not wait for you.  I should keep looking.  I should find that guy I was originally looking for...that is what I wanted anyway, right?  

But I have a hard time accepting that.  That is the easy way.  That is the way I always take.  So this is not what I thought it was going to be.  Thank you for your time.  Good luck to you.  

I can not tell if you really mean for me to move on.  Because I will.  Even if I do not want to, I will eventually.  I always do.  Maybe you are just giving me the easy way out because you do not want to put the work in to it.  Maybe you are just like the rest of them and this was what it was...and it will end like it always does.

You fell asleep because I did not fight it.  

I usually do, but for some reason what you said was hard to argue.  

I lay awake because I feel like maybe this time I don't want to take the easy way out.  I give up on men at the first sign that I realize things will not go the way I want them to go.  If I do not see my happy ending on the road up ahead, I will turn around and give up.  I am so obsessed with getting my happy ending that if you can not promise me that, I will say goodbye.  

Something at the back of my mind reminds me that anything worth having is worth waiting for.  

Can I wait?  Should I wait?  Will you still be there in the end?  Can I handle being more alone than with you?  Is the possibility of this enough?  Is it too soon to decide?  Am I being insane in thinking that maybe it is not?  Am I just latching on to the first good thing I have come across in a while and now am not willing to let go?  Does it matter?  

I can not trust how I am feeling.  Worry always gets in the way and has a way of changing how I feel.  I worry so much about what happened to me in the past...and what will or will not happen to me in the future, that I rarely take the time to just be happy in the moment I am sharing with someone.  

All I know for sure is that no matter what I decide...right now...laying in your arms after you fell asleep...that makes me happy.  I am content with this moment.  I promised myself that I would be more present in my life and appreciate what I have right here, right now.  And that is what I will do.  

So after you fell asleep...I fell asleep too.