The Bad Stuff: What No One Tells You About Being Pregnant

I'm 15 weeks pregnant.  What does that translate to in months?  You know what?  I don't know.  I'm pregnant, not a mathematician.  Apparently once you become pregnant, you start talking about periods of time in weeks.  It's not 3 months, it's 12 weeks.  And then when you have the baby, everything is measured in months.  He's not 1 1/2 years old, he's 18 months!

So I guess I'm closing in on month 4 here.  In the last 15 weeks I have learned a lot about being pregnant.  I'm 34 years old.  I have learned many things in 34 years, but the one thing I knew pretty much nothing about was what it's like to be pregnant.  Don't get me wrong, I understood the "getting pregnant" part pretty well.  I mean, I was single for most of those 34 years.  In fact I knew even more about not getting pregnant!  However, when I finally decided I was financially, socially, mentally, and morally (that's an important one) ready for a baby, it turns out I knew very little about getting pregnant past the physical aspect of things.  But that is a blog for another time.

I am here now to drop my knowledge on the women (and curious men) of the world who, like me, thought they knew what it was to be pregnant...but actually had very little clue.  Getting pregnant was the easiest part of this entire ordeal and I still needed an app for that!  

Lists are great.  I'm a big fan of lists.  Most of the useless articles I read online consist of lists.  For some reason, people are more apt to skip the intro altogether and go straight to the juicy information.  In fact, I bet most people aren't even reading this right now and are going straight to number 1.  So as great of a writer as I think I am, I am also realistic and know I'm a skimmer when it comes to reading so I will stop with my witty intro and get down to it.  

Here is a list of the bad stuff no one tells you about being pregnant...

1.  It's a living hell like you've never known.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely ecstatic to be pregnant!  I'm so happy and so lucky that I was able to fall in love, get engaged, and then together make the decision to have a baby.  I can't wait to meet this beautiful baby boy that will be some parts me, some parts Joe, and some parts all himself.  

But those first 12 weeks were the absolute worst experience of my life.  Between the nausea, the exhaustion, and the headaches, I could barely stand to make it through the day.  I was moody and easily irritated by everything.  For the first two months I couldn't even leave the couch.  Work was a nightmare.  I didn't take off one day...I soldiered through...but it was hell and I can't believe I made it without killing anyone.  

And while things have improved slightly in the second trimester, I haven't felt like myself in 15 weeks.  No one tells you that you lose absolute and complete control over your body the second you start growing another one.  As beautiful and miraculous as the miracle of life is...the 9 months up to giving birth are a very difficult and trying time for some women.  The smug pregnant women that people make fun of are the ones who skirt through pregnancy with nothing more to deal with than an expanding waistline.  This gives them nothing but time to be smug.  They can judge all they want.  I'm too busy being miserable.  

2.  Morning sickness isn't just about throwing up.

Not everyone gets morning sickness.  But it seems most women get a little something.  Those women reading this now who didn't have so much as a belly gurgle can get the fuck out.  Seriously.  I hate you.  No, for real though, I thought morning sickness was every now and again you ralph and then you get back to life.  But it's so much more than that.

For a few women, like myself, there actually is no wonderful release of up-chuck that allows you to move on with your day.  For me it was nausea from the second I woke up until the second I went to bed.  The only time I had relief was when I was sleeping.  I felt like I had just gotten off a roller coaster for every minute of every day.  I only vomited a few times because I hate vomiting.  And I only did it because everyone said "just vomit and you'll feel better!"  Except I didn't.  I'd puke in the shower and get out and feel like I could bend over in front of the toilet and go again.  But I didn't. I got dressed and went to work.

I heard the moms who are the sickest have the healthiest babies.  Everyone kept saying "but doesn't it make it a little better knowing that your baby is probably super healthy?"  No, it fucking doesn't.  All I could think about was what the hell was I thinking getting pregnant?  And I've always wanted 2 kids.  I couldn't imagine going through this a second time, but also having a toddler to manage!

3.  Once you're over the morning sickness, the headaches show up.

Now I understand that every woman has a different pregnancy experience.  Some have very little symptoms, while others like me, suffer the entire time.  So this is all very anecdotal and you may be one of the lucky ones who never deals with this shit.  I have never had anything easy in life, so it's no surprise to me that pregnancy has followed suit.

All the mommy forums said that by the time you reach the 2nd trimester, the morning sickness stops.  Well, the morning till night nausea did subside, almost like magic.  But they were replaced with the worst headaches I have ever experienced.  I've never had migraines before, but I imagine these were on par.  My entire head felt like it was going to explode!

It was a tension headache that would turn in to a cluster headache.  It would start at one part of my head and then jump around like my brain was having some sort of warehouse rave full of drugged up teenagers.  It wasn't fair, the second the nausea stopped and I started to feel more like myself, I found I would have to come home from work and immediately lay down with an ice or heat pack on my head for hours.  

I did find some relief from drinking my weight in water and doing workouts once the water kicked in and my head didn't feel like exploding.

4.  The gas and bloat ain't no joke!

While I've all but lost the nausea and gotten a hold on the headaches (no thanks to Tylenol which I'm convinced is a placebo drug with no active ingredients), I'm still suffering from the worst bloating and gas of my life!  The only time my stomach isn't distended from gas bloat is the second I wake up in the morning.  But if I have even one bowl of oatmeal--here comes the blimp!  Your digestive system decides to pack up it's bags and go on a 9 month vacation leaving all the food in your gut to hang out and take up space.  The only reason I even look pregnant right now is because my stomach sticks out so far! 

On an even brighter note, your stomach sphincter (the only time I'll probably ever type that word) relaxes along with all your other internal goodies to help aid in pregnancy and delivery.  So you also get the worst case of heartburn ever.  All that food in your belly hangs out and your sphincter can no longer fight the burn so it sends it straight up your throat.  Sometimes it does such a shitty job that you vomit in your mouth a little.  This happens often.  Which means I don't eat a lot of fish.

Don't get me started on the gas.  They tell you to eat 6 small meals a day and they fucking mean it!  If you continue to eat like you used to you then you'll find yourself in misery for hours after a big meal.  You're absolutely ravenous, but you have to force yourself to eat less or pay the price of laying on the couch constantly burping and farting for the next two hours.  Lucky for me, my fiance has turned it in to a contest and is actually excited to finally have some competition!

5.  Weight gain is not something you can't fight the way you used to.

As I type this I am drinking a berry banana protein smoothie that I made after doing a 30 minute prenatal strength work out.  Basically I'm healthy as fuck right now.  I'm doing everything right!  But don't let that fool you.  Yesterday I binge-watched The OA on Netflix.  All 8 hour-long episodes.  Hey, it's like -30 outside, now is the time!

I have spent what feels like my entire life watching my weight.  I've watched it go up, go down, and stay frustratingly the same.  I have accepted that I will never be skinny.  I love beer and cheese too much and my body holds on to every calorie like I starved to death in a past life.  But I also like how my body feels when I work out.  I like being strong and flexible.  And while I'll never been lean and fit, I can tone things up so at least I'm not a blob.  Eating healthy does work for me...when I actually do it for an extended period of time anyway.

Well remember that part where I said I was nauseated for 3 straight months?  I could only eat what made me feel better.  I felt like I was hungover every single day.  And what do you eat when you're hungover?  Greasy food!  So for 3 months I ate nothing but bad food.  It was all I could eat.  French fries, bread, noodles...anything white.  Carbs for days!  I ate as many fruits and vegetable as I could, but they were sadly outnumbered by mac and cheese.  

My body paid the price.  I've gained 20 pounds since September.  That's not a very long time to put on that much weight.  While I know some of it is the water I'm retaining and the extra blood that's pumping through my body...only a few ounces is actually the baby.  So this third chin is because there is a baby in me, but is not in any way helpful to him.  

And gaining too much weight in pregnancy opens up the door to death apparently.  All kinds of horrible things happen to pregnant women who gain too much weight.  Don't take my word for it, google it.  So now that I've finally crossed the nausea bridge and have waded through the headache waters, I'm able to make smarter food choices (every now and again) and actually work out.  Which brings me to the next thing...

6.  Working out now is soooo hard

I know the extra weight and the laying around for 3 months is probably 90% of the reason why even a low impact prenatal workout is hard for me right now.  But it wouldn't be an issue if I hadn't had to deal with the first trimester.  So in a way, it's another side effect I wasn't prepared for.  I really thought I'd work out the entire pregnancy.

I used to enjoy an hour or more at the gym.  I'd hit the elliptical, the stair master, then some weights.  Felt so amazing when I was done!  Now I put on a 20-30 minute low impact prenatal video from youtube and I lose my breath, can't go as fast as the teacher, have to modify movements, and find myself so parched.  

I have friends who were super fit before they got pregnant and kept it up all the way until the day they delivered.  More power to them!  How wonderful it must have felt to be able to keep working on your fitness and not be confined to a couch for 3 straight months in nothing but pain and agony.  I wouldn't know.

7.  There's a such thing as pregnancy gingivitis.

I pride myself on keeping a pretty healthy mouth.  Nothing prepared me for the blood in the sink I'd see on a regular basis after getting pregnant.  If I even think about flossing my gums bleed.  Now let's be real, I don't floss that often, and my one tooth here or there would bleed because of that...but flossing my teeth today, every single tooth gushed blood.  I looked like I had just bitten in to a raw piece of meat!  I was scared.  I googled it.  Apparently completely normal thing to experience during pregnancy.

8.  If you're plus-sized and pregnant, you'll "show" but it won't be baby.

As I mentioned before, I've never been skinny.  Well, as a kid maybe, but not since hitting puberty.  Always had the hips.  Grew the boobs pretty young.  Haven't had a flat stomach for as long as I can remember.  So when you start out on the thick side...you can imagine that pregnancy doesn't help the issue.

Because I put on so much weight so fast, I grew out of my regular clothes pretty quickly.  Luckily my office is pretty casual so wearing black yoga pants is allowed.  I dress them up with nice shirts and boots and whatever else I can, but I am still just wearing stretchy pants every single day.  I purchased a few actual maternity items, and also had some donated, but a lot of maternity wear is for skinny women.  The ones who's only belly is the baby.  I can't wear tight-fitting maternity shirts because right now it's just the extra weight I gained plus my horribly bloated gut.  I can only wear the flowy tunic styles that drape, but don't cling.

I only hope that wearing the maternity shirts with the empire waist makes it obvious that I'm not just fat, I'm pregnant too.  Sometimes I'll hold my hand on my stomach the way pregnant women do if I think someone is staring and trying to eye up my situation.  But it's all a ruse.  I can't feel my baby.  There's too many layers on top of him.  But it's better than yelling "I'm pregnant!" in the middle of the line at the grocery store.  

This also means I won't be taking "bumpies" or those side shots women take to show their belly developing.  I've never wanted to be in a picture less than I do right now.  I caught myself in a photo from Thanksgiving and wanted to die.  And I can't do anything about it.  I can eat healthy and exercise, but I will continue to get bigger.  This is the one time in my life I can't fight my growing uterus.  

I see pictures of other plus-sized pregnant women (google image is something that should be avoided during pregnancy, but I can't help myself) and I feel like they just look more fat and never actually look pregnant.  It's terrible, I know, I'm a horrible judgmental bitch...and my punishment is I will look the exact same.  So help someone if they ever try to touch my belly!  Only my fiance is allowed to and I still yell at him for it some times.

9.  So many fluids!  

Once you're pregnant, you become one giant fluid retainer and emitter.  Having swollen hands and feet is honestly so weird.  One day I'll be fine, the next day I'll look down and my ankles are gone.  One day my feet were swollen and fat so I laid on the couch and propped them up on a few pillows.  I could actually feel the fluid draining from them.  Freaky stuff.  

The constant bloat is something to get used to.  I've never really experienced bloating before so having fingers swell up and ankle bones disappear is a new thing for me.  So is everything all of a sudden being tight.  My bras dig in to my side and my underwear digs in to my thighs.  It's terrible.  I'm hoping a good portion of my weight gain is the fluid I've retained so that I don't have as much to lose once the baby is born.

10.  Sex drive meltdown...

For any of my family members reading this, feel free to cut out now.  I'm pretty much done anyway.  For everyone else...let me tell you how hard it is on a relationship to go from doing it all the time trying to have a baby to not doing it at all.  They say you lose the urge the 1st trimester because you feel like shit.  It's not so much that you don't want to have sex, but that you absolutely can't imagine getting up and leaving the couch let alone putting any effort in to something so superfluous.  

And while I didn't necessarily physically miss sex, I knew it was taking its toll out on the two of us.  For the couples who only had sex to get pregnant, well they probably don't suffer as badly...but for everyone else who actually enjoys it more than once a month (or worse, year!)...it's tough to lose that.  It's something that creates an intimacy that laying on the couch watching tv doesn't.  

It's always been important to me, to us, and I felt like I was failing.  It was completely my fault.  He still wanted to--of course--but even if I was not nauseated long enough to allow such things, I felt gross.  Still do most days.  I feel completely disgusting and huge and the opposite of sexy.  Getting naked is not something I enjoy doing anymore.  I just know I'll be disappointed in what I see.  I can't even enjoy my changing body because I don't have the fancy glow and cute belly that looks like I ate a cheeseburger for lunch.  I have an extra chin, and an extra waist, and very little energy to improve these things yet.

11.  I don't feel pregnant.

I've had the symptoms of being pregnant.  I've taken the test and seen the positive.  My doctor examined me and agreed I was, in fact, with child.  I've heard the heartbeat--twice!--and seen him in an ultrasound.  I've had prenatal testing that confirmed I'm carrying a boy!  But despite all these things, I don't "feel" pregnant.  I'm not showing anything other than extra weight and it's too early to feel the baby.  So I'm dealing with all the side effects of being pregnant and haven't had so much as a kick from the kid to let me know that I am, in fact, growing a baby inside me.  It's so surreal.  You always think the second you take a positive pregnancy test that you immediately feel connected to the miracle of life.  

As horrible as it may sound, I understand how women can have abortions.  While pro-lifers will insist that the second the cell is fertilized it's alive...the woman carrying the zygote doesn't necessarily connect with this idea.  Just because my baby is the size of an avocado right now doesn't mean I look down and see that or feel that inside me.  I have felt nothing inside of me except the pain and misery that my body has put me through while it creates life.  While my brain knows I'm pregnant...the tests, the pictures, everything is telling me this is it...my heart doesn't feel it yet.  I'm emotional and cry at everything parent/child related in music and on tv...but it's not because I feel a baby inside of me.  Hormones are killer!

It's a cruel joke really.  There is no magical stardust that surrounds you or choir that sings when you get pregnant.  Your body puts you through hell while it makes a nice cozy place for your baby to grow, but it takes months before you ever get that reassurance that you are making a human.  I can't wait for the day I put my hand on my belly and feel a hand or foot respond to me.  I hope it's soon!  I really do.  Because I feel like then, and only then, will all the bad stuff be worth it!

And I am lucky to have the man in my life that I do.  Despite all these terrible horrible no good very bad side effects of being pregnant, he has been understanding and mostly patient with me.  Even when I get so angry I throw things in his direction.  My hormones have raged to the point where no one should want to be around me.  And sometimes we do take breaks...but he always tells me he loves me and kisses me goodnight!  

Even though I feel like a bloated giantess he still finds me attractive and tells me I'm beautiful.  He is the reason this shit-storm has been worth it.  I can't imagine going through this alone or having any other man but him with me through this.  Everyone keeps telling me "once you have that baby in your arms it will all be worth it!"  While my head knows this is true...it's taking some time for my heart to catch up. 

And, despite the list in this blog, it hasn't all been bad.  I definitely have at least 10 good things I've experienced since becoming pregnant that I never knew I would.  But that's a blog for another day.