Do not post until Thanksgiving

I'm terrible at keeping secrets.  I tell everything to everybody all the time.  I have always been an open book about my life.  Facebook has channeled my need to divulge every minute of my life in to a nice little online format.  So you can imagine that all I want to post right now is I'M PREGNANT!

Hmmm...just typing that was weird.  Saying it out loud is weird.  Discussing it with the only 6 people who know (of course Joe/baby daddy, ma, pa, and siblings) is weird.  It doesn't feel real.  The two lines on the pee stick that I saw on Wednesday morning at 5:30AM were very real.  So real that I didn't even get to finishing my morning business before the lines appeared in the little window.  Who needs 3 minutes?  Apparently my HcG was off the charts!

Wait, wait...lemme go back to the beginning.  Was it a surprise?  Yes.  I don't believe anyone has sex and then goes--yup, my egg is fertilized!  But we were not shocked as we have been trying for months.  Yes, we have been trying to get preggers!  Somewhere back in March I told Joe, well, I can get back on the pill....orrrrrrr....I can stop taking it and we can see what happens.

We both decided that we were ready for kids.  Joe did not have a stable job at the time (sales) and I had no intention of getting it "right" those first couple months while my body rid itself of 14 years of birth control...so we figured we had a little time to worry about actually getting pregnant.  Plus, after trying so many years not to...I wasn't even sure I could!

Once Joe was hired on (at my company--I had a little to do with that) we realized it was not just a step towards a regular paycheck we could balance our budget on, but that our lives were now going to change.  

We knew pretty much since the beginning of the year that we had found IT.  We dated early in the summer.  Broke up last October.  Got back together just in time for the holiday season.  Did the rounds at each other's parents house a few times.  That was it!  We knew we had finally found the one.  We're in our mid thirties...we didn't need ten years to decide.  At this point in our lives we have become the best versions of ourselves as single people and we wanted to go on a life adventure together and see what we could do as a family!

After the first few months of "not trying not to get pregnant" I was worried.  How do teenagers get pregnant on the first try?  We were doing it all the time (sorry fam) and nothing was happening.  I had an app on my phone showing me my "fertile window" and we were taking advantage without making it a science project, but without fail, month after month...good old AF (that's aunt flow to you not familiar with baby blogs) showed up each time.  Twice I thought I was late and took tests, but they came back negative.  I was beginning to worry.

Why worry you ask?  I mean, I come from a fertile people.  Lots of kids on my mother's side of the family!  She had 5 herself with her last being born when she was 37.  Well...I am 34.  For those of you who don't know, a 35 year old pregnancy is called "GERIATRIC."  That's right!  If you're 35 or older, your pregnancy is automatically high risk.  So there's that...at 34 I'm not getting any younger.

Also, as most Americans find themselves, I'm outside my "healthy BMI range."  I'm using a lot of quotes in this entry...it seems like I should also cite my sources, but trust me, these are legit terms.  I'm making air quotes in my head as I roll my eyes and type them.  If I was telling you this in person, I'd be using my finger quotes.  But, I digress....  So suffice it to say, I'm overweight.  So that's strike 2.

Strike 3 is that I've never been pregnant before.  I'd love for you all to believe I'm an angel and have always used protection and done the smart thing in life, but I had a crazy single life that sometimes blurs together with the alcohol I consumed.  Never once did I get an "oops you knocked me up" moment--PRAISE THE UNIVERSE!  So it was possible, I could not actually get pregnant.  While my health was fine and my checkups were clear--there are things they don't see until you test for them.  So yeah...I was worried I might not be as fertile as my female family.  Say that 3 times fast.  

Be ready to learn everything you wanted (or didn't want) to know about how to get pregnant...besides the obvious part you probably learned on the play ground if you hung out with that crowd.

I downloaded an app called Ovia Fertility.  The last app only tracked my periods and guessed at my fertile window.  This app wanted me to take my basal body temp (BBT), check my cervical fluid, my moods, my weight, my everything you can think of in relation to getting pregnant.  Fun.

So I went out and bought a BBT thermometer.  Now, you have to take your temp before you leave your bed in the morning.  As in, the second your eyes open you have to be coherent enough to grab the thermometer, press the button, wait 3 seconds until it clears, then hold it under your tongue for 1 minute.  Then when it beeps (and hopefully doesn't wake up your bed partner) you have to log this in the app.  I did this all month.  It was horrible.  Sometimes I forgot.  But it was interesting to watch the chart change.

And let me tell you, that was the trick!  The BBT is what clued me in to everything.  Ovia's little chart, along with the stats you input, will give you the exact moment you ovulate.  The old app I was using gave me a "when you should ovulate" day, and as it turns out, I'm 2 days later than what it was telling me.  

I had read the reviews showing high numbers of women getting pregnant their first month with the app--but of course did not believe I'd fall in to that category.  Welp...here I am...all knocked up!  

I made it to 3 days "late" with no signs of old AF.  I was also feeling a bit nauseous at work occasionally.  It was peculiar to feel it and wonder if I was imagining it because I wanted to be pregnant, or if it was a legit sign.  Every time I went to the bathroom I would check for signs and nothing.  Nothing!

So I gave in and bought a test after work.  I didn't want another BFN...(big fat negative) pregnancy test. Side note: Women trying to conceive (TTC) are clearly lazy as fuck because they came up with a million acronyms.  I was not that woman hoping for "7 days before your missed period" results.  I wanted to be super duper sure.  

My sister told me she took her test at 9pm at night despite the recommendation to take it first thing in the morning.  This is because the HcG hormone is more likely to pull a BFP (positive) on your test than at night after you've diluted your urine with fluids all day.  She said hers came up positive at night and again in the morning.  But if you take it at night, you might get a false negative (you're pregnant, but your urine is too diluted to pull the HcG hormone).  I decided to take it in the morning.  Again, needed to be totally sure here.

Of course Joe and I fought that night right before bed.  Over some dumb crap.  He of course thought I was being bitchy because I was actually going to get my period.  I was being bitchy, but it was because I had a zygote forming in my uterus!  Unbeknownst at the time.  So we went to bed angry.  Perfect way to start this wonderful happy journey, amirite?

I ended up waking up at 5:30am to pee and grabbed the test.  I was half awake and tried my best not to pee on my hand.  I put the cap on the stick and set it on the counter while I finished my business.  I looked over at one point and saw the second line.  I saw it.  I did not register it.  I was completely oblivious that my life had instantly changed forever.  I can never go back.  I will never be the same person again.  I have life growing inside me!  All I could think was, I want to get back in to bed and sleep...damn I've been exhausted for these last couple weeks!

But I held the test and slowly I realized it was for real.  It was weird.  I didn't feel pregnant.  My body did not take on this magical feeling that you expect that it would.  I thought it would be different.  I thought I'd jump up and down and run out of the bathroom in to Joe's arms and we'd scream and dance around and cry.  This is how I'd always pictured finding out I was pregnant.

But it was nothing like that.  If my engagement story tells you anything, it's that Joe does not overreact to anything the way you imagine a person should.  Or at least, as seen on TV.  He's always very calm, cool, and collected.  I rarely see him excited about anything.  I don't believe he'd even wig out if he was told the world was about to blow up!  Complete opposite of me in that respect.

So it shouldn't be a surprise that me giving him the news was no different than if I had said, it's time to wake up.  I walked in to the pitch black bedroom and poked him.  He startled awake.  I instantly began bawling and said "Well, it says I'm pregnant!"  Granted, I'll allow for the fact that it was 5:30 in the morning and it takes him at least 30 minutes to fully wake up...but all I got was a high five.  Yup.  A high five.  

I told my sister right away.  I had to.  I was talking to her the day before about taking the test and told her I'd let her know.  Then I called my mom and my other sister.  Then I posted it in our family chat to let my brother and Brente know.  Joe was like, "so much for keeping it a secret!"  But of course I couldn't keep it to myself!!

My due date is June 8th, 2017.  Eleven days before Joe's birthday.  I'm in the 5th week.  I didn't realize this, but the doctors start counting from your last period even though you aren't technically pregnant!  I don't know why, but I guess it must be easier to figure it out from your period than which day the sperm actually fertilizes the egg.  I've learned so much!

I'm not supposed to tell anyone until I'm "in the clear" and at least to the 2nd trimester.  The chance for miscarriage drops dramatically after that and they say that is the safest time to announce it.  So I sit here and type this with no intention of posting it until I'm in the clear.  

There is always that chance of losing the pregnancy and no one wants to deal with announcing that scenario.  I'm personally not thinking about that at all.  I did for about the first couple days.  I freaked because that is what I do.  I kept saying to myself "But why don't I feel pregnant?  Why don't I feel like this is my baby!  This is my baby!"  

To be honest, I still don't feel that way.  I want to feel that way, but it's hard when all I feel is morning sickness, dizziness, hunger, and exhaustion.  At least I know I'm still pregnant.  But I'm the type of person who just knows things.  I can feel them.  And it's so hard to understand something I don't feel intuitively.  

I do not typically let myself get excited about things because I always feel like they are going to end--like when I was dating.  I didn't get excited because I would rather be surprised that something worked out, than devastated that it didn't.  I have built this wall of protection so that I never let myself get really excited about anything!  It's tragic really.

But I want to be excited about this!  I need to be positive.  The baby (or really the embryo, as it still looks like round sac of fluid slowly turning in to a tadpole the size of a poppy seed) needs me to be positive.  S/he needs me to put all I have in to this.  This is my one job above everything else!  Keep my baby healthy by keeping myself healthy, and that includes mentally!  I can't be Alicia who worries about everything. 

I need to focus on my future and picture our beautiful baby being born happy and healthy.  I am repeating my mantra "I will have a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby" over and over in my head.  Whenever I get a scary, "but so many women have miscarriages!" thought I will follow it up with my mantra.  Whether I'm ready or not, whether I feel it intuitively or not, baby is coming!  

I'm pregnant!  I am, I really am!  And keeping it a secret is killing me.  There are so many friends and family I want to tell.  I want to yell it from the rooftops.  Maybe that is why it doesn't feel real yet.  I hope that after my doctor's visit at 10 weeks I'll get the all clear, and then when I hit the second trimester a couple weeks after that--I can tell everyone!

Until then, I will keep this as a saved document in blogspot and try my best not to let it out :)