Precious Moments

Precious was not just a cat.  She was a living breathing soul who loved me unconditionally.  I know it sounds weird...but she was more than just my pet.  Not in a crazy-cat-lady celebrate her birthdays with parties and treat her like she's my child.  She wasn't my whole world.  But I was hers.

I grew up with cats.  I have always loved animals.  My childhood cat got out of house and was run over.  Shortly after my family relocated to Wisconsin I was able to get a kitten.  I named him Figaro.  I remember my brother and I going over every Disney character we could think of and Figaro seemed to fit because he was Pinocchio's cat.  I loved Figaro very much.  But my step-dad didn't like cats.  My brother and I went on vacation to visit my dad in California and when we came back I found that my cat had been taken to a farm.  As luck would have it...we eventually moved to that farm and I was reunited with Figaro.  When we moved...I wasn't allowed to take him.  I had to say goodbye.

All I wanted was another cat...but I was never allowed to have one.  I went through all of high school without a cat despite my begging and pleading.  There was just no discussion and I had to live with that.  Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get a cat because I was too busy growing up and would eventually leave for college.  We were allowed to have dogs and I loved the hell out of our dog...but as any cat lover will tell you, dogs are a different love.  They are a buddy old pal let's go for a walk pet.  We always got big dogs so lap sitting was out of the question...not that that ever stopped Keesha, our black lab/retriever mix.

When I was 20 I went home for during our winter break.  I was finally out of the dorms so I didn't have to spend the dreaded month away from all my new friends and, most importantly, my new freedom!  Ironically enough, the second my little sister was old enough to make decisions, she decided she wanted a cat.  So my parent's got her a cat.  I didn't complain about it, much.  I had lived in the dorms and you can't have pets.  After they spent money to buy a kitten...they found another kitten.  I wasn't allowed to have any cats and now all of a sudden my sister had two.

Precious was the new edition to the family.  I had met her a few times, but I refused to like my family's cat because I was salty.  And I hated that name.  Precious.  Who names a cat Precious?  It's so cat-lady!  But there was something different about Precious.  I was already addicted to the internet at that point so I spent most of my break sitting at the computer in the dining room.  As did Precious.  For whatever reason that cat fell in love with me even though all my attention was on yahoo chat rooms!  She laid herself across my shoulders while I sat at the computer...or she would walk across my lap...or she would paw at the keyboard.  Always wanted attention.  I had never met a cat that was so interested in what I was doing.

I couldn't help but fall in love with her and her big round face.  She didn't leave my side the whole time I was home so it was only a matter of time before someone suggested I just take her home with me.  The second it was brought up, I was sold!  I was finally living in a house and could actually have a pet.  I didn't even discuss it with my roommates.  We bought a litter box and some food and before I knew it she was meowing her way to Stevens Point with me.

It was nine years ago so I don't quite remember what the reaction from my roommates was.  I hope I didn't upset any of them.  I kept her in my room mostly so that I didn't upset anyone since I never did ask if I could bring her home.  But I think everyone can generally agree that she was a great cat.  Sometimes I'd even lock her in my room while I was away at work but they'd sneak her out and play with her anyway.

The end of my college years were very tumultuous.  I didn't spend a lot of time at home because I was desperately trying to make the guy I was in love with fall in love with me.  Unfortunately this had the opposite affect and he, in fact, despised me in the end.  My poor Precious was there for me each and every time I came home crying.  She ignore the fact that I hadn't slept at home for the past 3 nights and still cuddled up with me on the couch licking the bowl after I'd drown my sorrows in ice cream.

Precious was the best cat to be there whenever I was upset.  She could read my feelings better than I could.  Sometimes I'd be sitting there seething and she'd just jump in to my lap and purr her little heart out.  She lived to make me happy...that was obvious.  I can remember times when I'd have my sappy girl music on and I'd be crying and holding her and she'd reach up and touch my face with her little paw.  Almost as if she was saying, it's okay, I still love you.

The fact that she wasn't a very active cat became apparent as the years went on.  She enjoyed napping as much as I did.  In fact I'd usually wake up from a nap with her curled up on my back, if I was sleeping on my stomach.  Other times she'd be in the open space between me and the back of the couch.  Always there or at least nearby.

I got a kitten at one point because I missed kittens.  Precious was already a year old and almost fully grown when I brought her home (although she would continue to grow over the years anyway).  At first she despised the kitten...as she despised any cat that came in her territory.  But eventually she grew to tolerate Mia.  I used to catch them curled up together like a gray and brown yin yang.

When I moved in with a friend of mine, I took Mia and Precious and we moved in with her two cats as well.  Four cats in a two-bedroom apartment was a trip.  We'd have cats draped all over us at all times!  At any moment there'd be at least one, if not four, sets of eyes on you.  We used to play with lazer pointers and have them all stampeding from one end of the apartment to the other.  I don't know that the neighbors downstairs appreciated that one bit however.

I moved out of that apartment in to a house with two other cats.  Mia hid the entire time, but Precious made friends with the other cats.  I think it was because they were male.  But we only spent a month there before I ended up moving to Madison.  Unfortunately the friend I moved in with didn't like cats and would only allow me to bring one along.  I gave Mia to my sister, who loved her as much as I did...and Precious and I moved to Madison.  Even though my friend hated cats, she always admits that Precious was the only cat she ever really liked.  Precious was the cat that won over so many cat haters!

She wasn't a typical cat.  She wasn't moody.  She always wanted attention.  If someone sat down on the couch, she was in their lap.  Didn't matter if she knew the person or not.  She was the most lovable cat in the world.  Sometimes it was a bit much...like when I'd be studying and I have my books and papers sprawled out and she'd walk over and lay down right on top of everything I was working on.  I had to physically move her off my lap, or off my shoulders, or off my computer, or off the couch more times than I ever had to call her over to me.  In fact, most of the time she just knew when I needed her by me.

There was a permanent indent on my bed for Precious.  Even though she was a whore for the attention of any man who sat on the couch...she wasn't as big of a fan if they took her spot on the bed.  I remember very specific moments when I'd wake up and look at the guy laying next to me...and then Precious's head would pop up and look at me like, look what you made me do!  Some guys were big fans of hers.  The second I saw a guy bend over to scratch her back my heart would melt.  Men who liked my cat were automatically hotter to me.

The best times I had were when I was finally able to afford an apartment of my own.  For her whole life she had been living with lots of people in a house...or lots of cats in an apartment...or some combination of that.  So when her and I moved in to my little studio apartment...life was perfect.  It was just me and Precious enjoying our little space together.  We got in to our comfortable routine.

I'd come home from work and she'd either be at the door or would be waking up from her nap and would come around the corner to greet me.  Since she wasn't a very active cat...over the years she started to put on the weight.  Probably didn't help that I'd let her lick my plate or eat small pieces of cheese or clean off the popsicle stick.  In fact, in hindsight I realize those were all really bad things to do...but I loved my cat and she loved to eat!  I've seen cats much bigger than she was, but she was so short and squat that her round belly turned in to a side show attraction when people would come over to see her.

She used to chew off her fur too.  I had a vet tell me it was a nervous habit because I moved her around so much.  I tried to spray her with the no-chew stuff, but it didn't work.  So I just let her do it.  I let her eat as much as she wanted and I let her chew off all her fur.  Everyone always commented that she was fat and bald.  I don't think she appreciated it much...but I loved her just the way she was.  I never wanted to take her to a vet because I didn't want to hear the vet tell me how she was overweight and needed to go on a diet.  Diets were sore subjects in our house.  Looking back now...I wish more than anything I would have put her on a strict diet.  She would have hated me...but she would have been healthier and lived longer.

I think she had a happy life although it was short.  Most indoor cats live to be 12-15.  Precious made it 11 years.  I never regulated her food, I let her eat people food, and I didn't take her to the vet regularly.  It was my fault she died young.  I was her owner and caregiver and it was my job to keep her healthy.  But instead I wanted her to be happy.  And she was.  She really was.

Her last months with me happened when I moved to my mom's house.  Despite having a job where I made lots of money and my own place and friends I loved hanging out with...I was lonely.  All of my friends had at least one family member within a short drive.  I was the only person driving an hour to see my family.  I couldn't just drive home for dinner and drive back.  Every time I visited I stayed.  With my crazy work schedule I wasn't really able to get away that often.  My little studio wasn't much for inviting people to stay with me either.  I was getting tired of always having to leave my home if I wanted to see people.

I decided that I would move back home.  I found someone to rent my place and picked up and moved without finding a new job or a new apartment.  I was afraid that if I waited too long, I would change my mind and chicken out.  So Precious and I moved yet again...back in with my parents.  I didn't have a job so I was able to spend the entire day with Precious.  We got in a lot of quality time.  That is the only saving grace of being unemployed these last couple months.

Truth be told, I noticed she wasn't eating as much as she used to.  I used to have an endless feeder for her that just would drop more food as she ate.  But I decided she had gotten too big and I was going to feed her a bowl a day.  Sometimes I'd come home at the end of the day and the bowl wasn't even empty.  I didn't think much of it...which was the fatal mistake.  I read later on the internet that if your cat (whether healthy or overweight...but especially if they're overweight) stops eating or is eating less than normal for more than two days to take them to a vet.  There is always a reason a cat interrupts their normal eating pattern and it just may be deadly.

When we moved back to my mom's I figured she was eating.  I saw her eat some times, but there were two other cats in the house and they shared a bowl.  Then I noticed Precious was losing weight.  I thought it was a good thing that she was losing weight.  All anyone ever had to say was how fat she was getting so I hoped she was getting healthier.  Unfortunately she was just getting worse.  Whatever sickness she had...it made her stop eating.  So then she became ravenously hungry...she started trying to steal food out of people's hands and that was really unlike her.  Again, I was worried...but she was relatively young.  I should have trusted my gut on that one.

As she grew to stop eating completely she was always thirsty.  Then one day I was petting her back and I could feel her spine.  Never in her life could I ever feel her spine when I pet her.  She was losing weight rapidly now.  I looked up the symptoms online and it seemed to point to feline diabetes.  It all happened so fast...within a matter of a few days.  First I noticed she was drinking a lot and not really eating so I went to Walmart and bought wet food.  I put in the bathroom and let her eat alone...but she didn't finish the half a can I gave her.  Then I felt her spine.  Then she stopped eating and drinking period.  One day she just quit moving.  She just hid out under furniture and wouldn't come when I called her.  It was very unlike her to just stay in one spot.  She loved to be pet and held.  Whenever you said her name she would come running.  Now she wasn't even moving.

That night I was really worried about her.  I put her on my bed and she didn't move at all.  She didn't go to the bathroom or eat or do anything.  I had finally found a job, but was only working one day a week.  This was the day I had to work.  I finally gave in and accepted that my cat was really sick and needed to go in to the vet.  I had literally no money in my account...which was another reason I didn't take her in...but she had to go.  I had to know what was wrong and we had to fix it!  My sister took her in for me.  I was too much of an emotional basket case.  Taking her in to the vet meant she was really sick and I couldn't handle it.

Work kept my mind off of it a bit...but my sister had texted me that the vet wanted to keep her overnight to do testing.  I knew that wasn't good.  Keeping her overnight meant something serious.  I was distraught, to say the least.  If she had diabetes I would have to give her a shot every day and buy special food and all of a sudden things started to get very expensive.  And I was still only working one day a week barely able to pay my bills.  How was I going to pay to take care of a sick cat?  It was all my fault for quitting my job.  If I had the money I would have taken her in sooner.  It may have saved her life.

That night, all I could think about was how my poor kitty was stuck at the vets office in a cage all alone.  She was sick and she was alone and I wasn't there with her to make it all right.  All I was supposed to do was take care of her and there was nothing I could do for her now.  It was too late.  I had her living an unhealhty lifestyle and now she was paying for it.  And I was paying for it too.

The next morning the vet called me to tell me that it was liver disease and he told me she had a 50/50 chance of living.  He said her liver had shut down because she had stopped eating and it was trying to metabolize the fat, but couldn't take it.  He said she might be able to recover if they put in a feeding tube and force her to eat...but he couldn't be sure.  He said taking her to Madison was an option.  But I had to work that day too.   I frantically called my manager and found someone to work for me...then I went home and waited for my mom to bring her home from the vet and googled liver disease.

All over the internet there were stories of people who had nursed cats with liver disease back to health.  They did the feeding tubes and it took months and months for them to be healthy again...but it worked.  But there were also stories of liver disease being just the tip of the iceberg.  It usually is a symptom of something else much worse.  But the hope on the internet gave me hope...these cats beat it...so can Precious!  She had to beat it.  She was my soul mate.  I loved her so much my heart was breaking in two just thinking about the pain she was in.  All she ever did was love me.  She was my cat, but she was also my heart.

That was the worst day ever.  My mom brought her home in the carrier and I saw her sitting there and just started bawling.  When I pulled her out she didn't even move.  It was like she was already half dead.  And she was.  Her fur was all shaved from where they took blood.  Her eyes wouldn't even open...they were so jaundiced.  It was like she had given up overnight.  She held on as long as she could as long as she was with me...but when she was stuck in that foreign place in some cold steel cage...she gave up.

She looked so bad.  All I could do was hold her and rock her and cry.  It was all my fault.  I let her gain all that weight and I didn't take her in to the vet for her to get healthy.  She was my baby and I blew it.  As my mom described her 45 minute with the vet...I just held her and pet her and kept saying I'm so sorry Precious.  The vet had made it sound like there was hope when I talked to him on the phone...but he basically told my mom that she was going to die.  My mom tried to tell me that we needed to put her down.  I had set her down for a second and when she tried to walk she hobbled from one side to the other and almost fell over.  My heart broke all over again.

All of a sudden I got very angry.  Who was this vet?  He said she had a 50/50 chance and that I could take her Madison.  I wasn't going to listen.  I wasn't going to not try to help her.  If it was something that we could fix...then goddammit we were going to fix her!  I couldn't let her go...not this way.  After screaming about a small town hack vet knowing nothing and not having the facility to treat her I decided no matter what I wasn't giving up...we were going to Madison!

My mom knew it was a lost cause, but she wrote me a blank check anyway.  It would cost $72 for them to give her a check up to see what was wrong and I was going to pay that!  I wrapped Precious up in her favorite blanket and my sister drove us down there.  The entire ride she just hid her head in my arm and didn't move.  I kept a hand on her belly to make sure she was still breathing.  Half the time I couldn't even feel a pulse and I just bawled the entire way to the vet's office.  Sometimes I would move her just to make sure she was alive.  I held her on her back at one point and she picked up her little paw and raised it toward my face...the way she had done a hundred times before when I was sad and holding her.  It was the last time she ever did that...

When we got to the vet's office I handed her off to the tech and we were brought in to a room while they looked her over.  The vet came in to find my sister and I with red soaked eyes and a stack of kleenex next to us.  We were both total wrecks.  She explained that Precious was a very sick kitty.  She said they had her on fluids, but that she barely had a pulse when we brought her in.  She explained that they couldn't even take her blood pressure and that her body temp was around 90 when they usually have a temp of 105 or something like that.  With this news my sister and I lost it.  I had hope that they'd be able to fix her...it was a hospital...they have the tools to fix her...they had to!

The vet said there were things they could do...tests they could administer to find out what it is.  She thought it was more than just the liver disease after looking over the results from the Reedsburg vet's office.  She was concerned there was a problem with her gallbladder, but couldn't be sure without giving her an ultrasound.  I asked if there was a chance that she could live and she said she couldn't say without finding out just what it was that was wrong.  Then she typed up an estimate of what it would cost.

When she came back in the room with a bill upwards of $1100 I crumpled.  There was no way I could afford that.  I couldn't even pretend to afford that.  I couldn't borrow it from my parent's either.  I asked her if there were payment plans or some other option and she said I could apply for a credit card.  I wasn't willing to give up just yet.  While I typed my information in over the phone to the credit card company my sister called my mom and explained our options.  I just wasn't ready for Precious to die.  I wasn't ready to give up.  I was approved for $2100 on the credit card...but what if I charged up the card and they did the tests and she still died?  Then I'd be paying money I don't have and I wouldn't even have my cat there to show for it.

The vet just couldn't tell me that she would be okay.  She said it was possible that after doing the initial testing it would just tell us what was wrong...then the surgeries they'd have to do could be anywhere close to $3000 additionally.  My heart sank.  My first thought was great, I'm poor so my cat is going to die.  I didn't want to say the words but I asked her how much it would cost to put her down.  She gave us the amounts and before she left the room to let us discuss it she basically told me that it wouldn't be an irrational decision to put her down.  She said at this point no one would blame me for making either decision.

Talking about putting down the cat who has been the one constant in my life for the past nine years was not a conversation I wanted to have that day.  I didn't want to be the one to say it...I wanted the vet to just straight up tell me that she was beyond testing and surgery and that putting her down would be best...but she couldn't make that decision for me.  I just wished she would have so that I could have just been mad at her instead of myself.  The one thing she did say was that she couldn't let me leave with my cat.  I wanted to take her home to let her live out her last days...but the vet said she probably wouldn't even make it home.  That's when I knew this was going to be the toughest decision of my life.

In the end, all I could think of was my poor Precious.  She had already spent one night at the vet's office and she looked terrible.  She was dying and there was nothing I could do about it.  Even after putting her through the hell of two separate ultrasounds and taking more blood and testing whatever else they wanted...she would still need surgery no doubt.  I just kept seeing my poor baby stumbling across the floor unable to walk.  Walk kind of quality of life was there left for her?  They could perform all that and she could still die...and then her last moments will be on the operating table with a bunch of strangers.  If I went home that night and left her there and she died...I wouldn't even have had a chance to say goodbye.  To let her know that I loved her more than anything in the world.

The ladies in the vet's office were all very understanding.  They let me take all the time I needed to decide.  But once I decided that it was more humane to put her down than it was to put her through all of that just so that she'd be around for me...I didn't want to drag out what had to have been a terrible existence for her at that moment.  The vet brought her in to me wrapped up in her blanket.  My sister said her goodbye and then left the room because she couldn't be there anymore.

I held on to my Precious girl and just cried and cried.  I hummed to her.  I told her how sorry I was for not taking better care of her.  I held on to her and pet her and calmed her.  I think she knew I was holding her...but she was pretty far gone at that point.  She could barely get her head up and her eyes open to look at me.  These were my last moments with her.  I can barely type through my tears just remembering it.

You know how they say that when you're about to die your whole life flashes through your head?  Well it was just like that.  As I held on to my sweet girl her whole life with me flashed through my head.  I saw her as a kitten jumping up on my shoulders and laying there while I sat and chatted online.  I saw her lay her belly across my book while I was studying in college.  I saw her laying on the couch with Mia.  I heard her meowing at me through her cage when I would take her with me for the holidays.  I heard person after person tell me how they didn't like cats, but they liked her.  I saw her head pop up from behind the guys laying next to me.  I saw her roll over on to her back when I walked through the door.  I saw her jumping up on to my bed when I said it was bedtime.  I saw her laying on my lap for a six hour Law & Order marathon.  I saw her licking my chocolate ice cream lid.  I saw her all wet in the bathtub and hating it, I saw her laying on the back of the couch and putting her paws on my shoulder.  And I saw her laying in my arms lifting up her little paw to touch my face.  I held her and I saw her life and I cried because it was about to be over.

As much as I wanted to sit there for an hour holding her...I knew that she needed to go.  She needed to be pain free.  I needed to let her go.  I pressed the button to let the vet know I was ready.  I held her for the minutes it took the vet to come in...and I tried to stop my tears.  I didn't want to be bawling when Precious was put down.  Carefully I laid her on the cold counter.  The vet explained that it was a very quick procedure...that she would just go to sleep and her heart would stop and it would be over.  Just like that...the cat I loved more than life itself was going to be over.  I would never see her walk around the corner or jump up on to my bed again.

I kissed her forehead then I knelt down so that my face was level with hers.  I held her little paw in my hand and pet her while the vet injected her.  I didn't have any more words to say.  I never had to say things out loud to her anyway...she just always knew.  I hoped she knew I was there holding on to her as she slowly slipped in to oblivion.  Her eyes closed immediately...and they never opened again.  When the syringe was empty, the vet listened for her heart and then said, she's gone.

Precious was the best thing that happened to me.  I never got that fabulous job.  I never got that fabulous apartment.  I never met that fabulous man.  But I had the best cat any girl could ever ask for.  She was sweet, she was lovable, she was intuitive, she was caring, she was perfect.  No cat will ever be like her.  I know I will never have another companion like I did with Precious.  I always thought she'd be there when I met the man of my dreams and would even be there for my first kid.  But looking back now I realize that she probably preferred to be the only love in my life...and I can't say I blame her.  Her love was unconditional.  No matter what I did, or what I said, or what dumb decision I made...she was there with a nuzzle and a purr.  She never judged me, we never fought, the only time I was angry at her was when she'd try to wake me up in the morning by making noise because she wanted to hang out with me.  And can you really stay angry at that face?

We buried Precious in my parent's backyard next to the cat Chevy they had that was ran over.  My niece made a little head stone of sorts to put in the spot where she was laid.  The whole family was there with me when I said my final good byes.  My niece said that Precious was in heaven with Arnold.  That broke what was left of my heart.  But it's true...she was in pain and now she is in a better place.  The lady at the vet's office told my sister that too often she see's pet owners putting their animals through everything possible in order to keep them alive when they are just too old.  She said no one would ever say we made the wrong decision having her put down.

She died due to complications of being an overweight animal.  I knew people with pets that were bigger and older than Precious so I never thought I had to worry about her.  I thought she had at least 5 to 7 years of life left to live.  But pets can't tell you when they don't feel good.  With what Precious had, the vet said most of the time the symptoms don't even show until it's too late.  As much as I wish I could take it all back and make sure she stayed healthy and lived a long healthy life...I can't.  All I can do is find some peace in the fact that she was happy.  She lived a good life.  She was loved.  She was loved by so many people.  And the outpouring of sympathy I got from friends and family and people online was proof enough.

While I will never know what kind of pain she was in those last couple months...I know that she got my full attention.  I wasn't working or staying out all night or staying at friend's houses...she had me every day, all day.  I slept in my bed every night and she slept right next to me.  And even though the end of her life came too soon....I wouldn't take it back for anything in the world.  My sweet Precious...may she rest in peace...was my lifesaver.

The thing is, people with families who have cats...have pets.  It was just me and Precious.  She was my everything.  When I was home she got my full attention.  I didn't have a second pet to love after she passed away.  All of a sudden it was just me.  And while, yes, I do have my family...it was different with Precious.  She was mine and I was hers.  We were a duo.  We spent almost every day of the last 9 years together.  I can't say that about any person in my life...not even my family.  With her gone there was a hole in my heart and it was horrible.  At first I couldn't even think about getting another cat...but the thing is...when you're alone, it's such a palpable thing.  No matter how many people are around you...to have something that is yours to love and loves you back--it's an indescribable feeling.

My sister waited all of two days before taking me to the Humane Society.  We were there to get a neuter certificate for a dog and she said "let's look at the cats!"  So begrudgingly I went to the back to look at the cats.  I decided I wanted a kitten.  Precious was already a year or more old when I got her and I want as much time with the next one as possible.  Plus, who doesn't love pictures of kittens to look at when they get older!  (Yeah I know...I need children)  Most cats at the Humane Society are adults...but I didn't want a Precious substitute.  I wanted a new cat entirely...this time I wanted a male.  I saw a little orange kitten on the internet, but by the time we got there he was scheduled for adoption.

But there was another male kitten there.  His name was Zaney.  I think it was because of his googley eyes and endless energy.  He was 7 months so he was already a little bigger.  He looked huge because he had long fur.  He was gray all over and had these big paws.  When I went up to his cage he stuck out his one paw towards my face.  That was it.  I was sold.  We took him to the play room and he ran all over with the energy only a kitten possess.  He was the most adorable thing!  My sister adopted him for me as an early birthday present.  It was love at first site!

While no cat will ever replace Precious...at least now when my heart is saddened with thoughts of Precious...I can pick up my new baby boy Wilson and hold him and love him and know that Precious was my light that went out...but Wilson will bring me back to that light that is the love of a cat.