Alicia's 6 Steps to Being Happy

Now you might be asking yourself right now, who the hell is Alicia and what does she know about being happy?  Well, friends, I am no one special.  But there is one thing I've gotten really good at recently...and that is being happy!  I have more self-confidence now than I have ever had in my life ever.  And I mean even more than when I was thin or young or had a boyfriend or whatever it is you think is the key to finding happiness.  I am/have none of those previous things listed and yet...here I sit...happy as fuck.  Yes, fuck can be used like that too.

This post is dedicated to my friends and family.  Especially the ones that need a healthy dose of happiness and self-confidence in their lives!  You know who you are.

People ask me all the time how I do what I do.  How I live the life I live.  How I stay happy and loving life when I could easily slip into a sad whoa-is-me world because I'm 32, single, no kids, no place of my own, basically behind on every major milestone I should have reached at this point.  Well thanks for fucking reminding me--but it's because I spend my time happy with what I have and I don't focus on what I don't have.  There are many people all over the world a lot happier than me who have a lot less than I do.  I remind myself of that almost every day.

There are a lot of really happy-looking folks in my Facebook newsfeed doing exactly what it is I wish I were doing right now with my life.  I don't focus on them and what they have.  But I am happy for them and what they have.  My sister recently got engaged and will be tying the knot soon.  The only other time I've seen her this happy is when she had my niece.  I am truly happy that she has found happiness in her life.  But, she went through a lot of shit to get there.  Coming out on the other side with the ability to be happy is what counts.  You only have one life to live.  Why would you ever want to waste it being depressed or miserable or cranky or bullish or judgemental or uptight?...or insert any negative adjective here.

So I decided to share my secret (not so secret) steps to how I live an overall happy life.  With the help of some really cool picture quotes of course...

1. Stop giving a fuck what other people think about you. 

This is absolutely the biggest most important piece to this list.  Some people save the good stuff for last, but not this bitch.  I throw the good stuff right at you first!  You need to embrace this life philosophy of stopping all the unnecessary worry about what other people think.  "I know, I know" you say "but I only worry about what my friends and family think."  Well...stop that too.  I know you've read the quote that those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.  Sometimes our friends and family are the worst judgemental assholes in our lives.  No one is perfect.  But just know the ones who count are the ones you can count on to love you no matter what.

As for the other people who don't matter...why in the hell would you care what they think about you?  It's none of your business what other people think about you so stop getting all up in there and worrying about it!  Why would you sweat what a stranger thinks?  You're statistically never going to see them again.  Why are you worried that the guy you went on a date with thinks you're a crazy cat lady?  Screw them both, man.  Who needs 'em?  They are insignificant in the span of your life.  Will what this one person thinks today affect you in 5 years?  Didn't think so...so don't let it affect you now.

Admittedly this is THE toughest step of my "program."  It's one you will have to work every single day at until it becomes second nature.  You will be uncomfortable a lot.  You will be self-conscious and nervous and anxious and scared and then...nothing.  You will be none of those things.  You will wake up one day and realize you've spent your entire life worrying about others when you should have just worried about yourself.  We all judge each other.  It's human nature.  It's what we do.  Most people are too busy dealing with their own shit to worry about yours.  Truly.  If you want to test this out...ask every person you encounter during the day if they were thinking about you just then.  Bet you realize just how insignificant you are in their life real quick.

But some people will argue "I can't help it."  I just do.  Well just don't.  It's that goddamn simple.  If you just do...all logical reasoning would suggest that you can just not do.  You choose how you react to things.  We usually can't control what others say and do...but we absolutely 100% control how we feel about it.  I don't know why people keep living their lives thinking other people are doing all these things to them.  That is a pussy whoa-is-me attitude and I don't put up with that shit.

I will not sit and commiserate with you for weeks on why this happened to you or that person dumped you or whatever it is that is causing you to not be happy.  Yes, everyone gets a period of time to punch a pillow, scream at the top of their lungs, bitch and moan.  But then blog about it, sing about it, act it out, call your mom and cry...and then Move. The. Fuck. On.  I have no tolerance for people who don't take control of their own lives.  I don't let anyone control me.  I did once.  And it was ugly.  I was ugly.  He is still ugly.  I assume anyway...

So since this one is the most important...I had to really dig deep there and explain some things.  But the concept is simple really.  The day you release the shackles of worrying about what people think about you...is the day you take control of your own life, your own feelings--hell, your own destiny.  Do it.  Just do it.

2.  Just be you.  Don't worry about who other people are being.

I have absolutely no tolerance for people who try to get in the way of other people's happiness.  I do not let anyone get in the way of mine--but things would sure be a whole lot easier if everyone followed that rule.  Live and let live.  If it doesn't hurt you or affect you or change your life in any way...let it go.  This rule is in parallel to the first rule.  If you're letting yourself get so wrapped up in what other people are doing, you're wasting time that you could be using to enjoy whatever the hell it is you're doing!

This one is a no-brainer guys.  Oh, she's wearing a dumb shirt.  His hair is too long.  She's too fat.  He's too good-looking.  They're too rich.  They're too poor.  That couple is two different colors.  That couple is the same sex.  Yeah...and???!!!  Grow up.  Yes, we all have those thoughts--those ewww yuck, I would never...but have the thought (if you can't grow up yet)...but then move on.  Don't dwell on others.  Don't worry what the Jones' are doing.  Live your own life.  Most likely if you do that--the Jones' will leave you to live yours too!

I don't have enough time to talk about jealousy...but let's just lump that in to this one too.  There will always be someone hotter, skinnier, richer, better dressed, younger, older, more successful than you.  Why spend your days wanting to be someone else?  You are you.  You are the only you.  Be the best fucking you possible and stop trying to be someone else.  Or worse--someone that someone else wants you to be.  Decide what kind of person you want to be...and be it.  Done and done.

3.  Don't put your happiness in someone else's hands.  Ever.

Quick anecdote: when I was in college my true happiness was wholly dependent on whether or not my boyfriend was happy.  If he wasn't happy, I wasn't happy.  And I was pretty fucking miserable for a lot of years because of that.  Not because he was always miserable--but because I spent so much time worrying about it.  If he wasn't happy that meant he would leave me and god-for-fucking-bid I'd be single and lonely and my life would be over.  That's how serious I was about it.  And when he found someone who wasn't miserable--he left me for her.  And I was alone.  I had spent so many years trying to make someone else happy, that I forgot how to be happy with myself.

I've said it once, I'll say it again--You are in charge of your own happiness!  Say it out loud.  "I Am In Charge Of My Own Happiness!"  Say it again.  Rinse and repeat daily.  You are the only person who allows yourself to be miserable.  No one else holds a gun to your head and says "Cry about your ex for the next three days and never leave your couch."  You decide to do that all on your own.  But I can't help but feel that way, you say.  Ahaha.  Well to that I say, who forces you to be excited?  Who forces you to be anxious?  Who forces you to be in love?  So why would being happy be any different?  You don't ever say "I can't be excited until Dan allows me to be."  I mean, that just sounds stupid, right?  So why would you say "I can't be happy until Dan loves me?"  Tell Dan to take a flying fuck if he doesn't know how awesome you are, I say.

Don't wait for someone to come along to be happy.  Don't wait for someone to leave for that matter either!  Make the decision to be happy right now, in this moment.  No matter what your status in life is.  Like the quote above says, waiting for someone else to make you happy is the best way to be sad.  I mean--is this person waiting for you to be happy before they are?  Chances are they aren't.  And if they are, you two are doomed to be miserable together forever.  And I have no tolerance for that either.  Yes, my bullshit tolerance is pretty much non-existent.  

If you have someone in your life holding you back from being happy...ditch them.  Yes---to the curb they must be kicked.  This goes for friends, lovers, family members, coworkers...whoever.  You don't need certain people in your life to make you happy and you definitely don't need certain people around who don't care about your happiness either.  This brings me to the next one...

4.  Be strong enough--and confident enough--to know when you need to walk away.

Not everyone in your life can be discarded.  Bosses for example.  Or children.  But there are most certainly people you do not need in your life.  The toxic ones must go.  I'm not saying we should switch over to some sort of heathen society where we all just walk around like hippies, smoke drugs, and rub on each other.  I mean--we're a society that must function and move forward.  But if you are depressed, first take a look around and make sure you're not--in fact--surrounded by assholes!

You have to respect yourself.  You do...because no one else will until you do.  No matter what your beliefs are...not everyone was put into your life to enhance it.  Maybe you say everyone you encounter serves a purpose...and that's wonderful.  But if you find that someone is serving no greater purpose--let them go.  If you have someone who makes you feel bad about yourself, your life, your choices, your past, your present, your future...you must purge them.  Don't stick around and hope they will change.  You must change how you think.  Yes, people can change--if they want to.  You're not going to convince anyone to become a better person.  They must decide themselves that it is what they want to do.  And even then, most don't.

Single girl side note:  If you waste days, months, years...with someone who doesn't make you the happiest person alive...that's your own fault.  I'm single.  And I'm happy.  I'm happier single than I would be in a miserable relationship, that's for sure.  And I know what I want in a relationship.  I know what I want in a significant other.  I have expectations I'm not willing to bend on--the biggest being that whoever I end up with must first love me the way I am today.  Not someone who hopes I will improve over time.  Great if I do...but what if I don't?  Will they still love me?

You can't walk in to something hoping for it to get better.  You can't spend your days working and working and working and seeing no result.  You can't be hoping and praying that the other person will just accept your past, like your figure, agree with your stance on religion, vote your way the next time.  This just shows that you do not respect yourself the way you should.  Any person with an ounce of self-respect would see that they are better than that.  They will see that just because he's amazing in bed doesn't mean he'll be great with your children.  That just because he's successful and rich doesn't mean he'll listen to your hopes and dreams.  That just because he's intelligent doesn't mean that he will understand you and where you're coming from.

It breaks my heart to hear my friends say they are hoping a guy will change.  He will suddenly communicate better, choose her over the other girl, like blondes and not brunettes.  If he doesn't like you today, right now, as you are...please please don't waste time trying to change him or trying to be who he wants you to be.

5. Fake it until you make it!

Even with all this knowledge I'm schooling you with on how to be happy...most people will still find it difficult to change their old ways.  I heard that it takes something like 3 weeks to break a habit.  So there's no need to worry if you're not happy now and don't see how you could possibly ever change.  Just fake it.  Seriously.

I've read online studies (that I will neither quote, nor reference) that say things like, just forcing a smile can make you happier.  Answer the phone with a smile and your voice will follow.  Try it if you don't believe me.  Force yourself to be happy for an hour.  Better if you're amongst people.  Talk excitedly about something.  Share a funny story.  Gush about some hot actor in a movie you just saw.  And don't quit.  Make it an hour and then go for two.  Before you know it you'll have gone through a whole day with a smile and will probably have forgotten whatever pissed you off in the first place.

The same can be said for self-confidence.  Do you know that all self-confidence is to other people is their perception of what you project?  People can't differentiate fake confidence from the real stuff.  If you're acting like you're the shit...people think you're the shit (or a giant douche if that's what you really are.  Only cool people can be the shit.  And only happy people can be cool--you follow?)  You don't even have to be good at acting.  You know what a self-confident person looks like.  Emulate them if you must.  Then one day you will wake up and realize it's just who you are now.

I'm not hot.  I'm not skinny.  I'm not tall.  I don't have straight teeth or perfect hair.  But, am I the shit anyway?  You're damn right I am!!  And if you don't think so--meh--that's your opinion and I don't have to agree with it.  I've been online binge dating for about a year.  No, my pictures are not the best ones on the internet.  No, I can't say I'm "slender and athletic."  But I know I'm awesome.  I know I have a lot to give someone.  I know I'm fun to be around.  I know I can make people laugh.  These are all really great things.  I didn't just compile a list and decide to be self-confident.  The more the confidence grows, the more your list grows.  The confidence...or faux confidence has to come first.

Everyone has something.  Even if it's just one thing.  Use it.  I have always been the funny chubby girl.  So maybe I didn't get guys in high school...but I got laughs.  And I nurtured that.  I also worked on other aspects.  I'm honest.  I tell it like it is.  I will do anything for the people I love.  I will start a party.  I will end a party.  I will be the entire party if no one else wants to be!  I'm good at these things.  And I use them.  And I smile while I do it.  So even though I'm not the best looking girl--I sure am popular.

I go on a lot of dates and have to turn down a lot of guys who aren't what I want.  Can you believe that?  The girl with no date in high school is now the girl with too many dates.  And it's not because I'm all of a sudden hot--while I am working on it and have finally found my own style--I still basically look the same.  But all of a sudden I have a side of self-confidence.  And happiness.  And people are drawn to people like that no matter what.  I like being the center of attention and if I want to be that I can't be mopey droopy Eeyore in the corner whining and complaining and doing the whoa-is-me shit.  No one wants to hang around with someone like that.

And my secret?  I faked it.  I just woke up one day and acted the way I thought someone with confidence would act.  And it came.  Because people will nurture that within you when they compliment you or thank you or show they care about you or are interested in what you're doing, thinking, have to say next.  I have more love coming at me now than I know what to do with.  And to be honest, I really started with what seemed like none...not so long ago...

But I'm also working on it, which brings me to the next one...

6. Get off your ass and WORK OUT!

No, I'm not a personal trainer.  And I'm also not holier than thou because I work out and you don't.  But I might just be able to take 4 flights of stairs right now at twice the speed you do.  I do it pretty regularly now so I'm getting good at it.  I'm not skinny.  I'm not what one would consider "athletic" by looking at me.  Hell, who am I kidding...I was pretty terrible at sports too.  But I work out regularly.  And that's what counts.

It's not enough to work on your mind.  You must also work on your body.  You'd be surprised at how many people could leave behind the anti-depressants if they only worked out.  Exercise is the cheapest therapy you will ever get!  And you can choose whatever works best for you and change your mind every single day!  I mean studies show (again, I do not have proof, it's the internet--assume I'm right) that working out boosts endorphins.  You remember those right?  Your body's physical reaction to happiness?  I'm sure we all had high school anatomy and know this.  Not rocket science.

I'm not saying you need to have some lean hard body to happy.  I'm walking talking proof of that.  But just moving really really changes your life.  It's not some new age bullshit to scoff at.  I'd say 2/3 of my confidence has only arrived in my life since I started working out.  The other 1/3 is not giving a shit about most things...but the big part...is that I burn the cals on a regular basis.  So yes...I do look better.  Much better.  But I feel better!  In my mind and my body.

Before you jump on the couch and start complaining about your life to a stranger--go for a run.  Or a walk.  Or a swim!  Whatever you want to do.  Before grabbing another prescription of pills to make you numb--hit the gym!  Do a video.  Youtube is full of free videos online!  Not having the money is NOT an excuse.   Not having the time is also a pretty shitty excuse as I know a lot of busy moms who find the time.  Two hours of tv, or one hour of tv and one hour to work out?  See how that works?  And if you have the money, by all means--pay someone else to make sure you work out.

I could do an entire blog on working out and mentally feeling better.  When your body is happy, your mind is happy.  I don't get sick.  Not really.  I'm pretty goddamn healthy these days.  I can do a lot of things I used to not be able to do.  And I'm no longer lazy.  In fact, I have no tolerance for lazy.  Even the little around-the-house-lazy.  Don't have someone get you your drink...go get it yourself.  Don't leave something out because you don't want to walk it upstairs.  Put the damn thing away when you're done!  Just these little changes are enough to help declutter your life and your brain and allow more room for happiness to live.

And that is it.

No...no it's not!  It's far from being "it."  There are many other things you can do to be happy or live a happy life, but I am not a professional blogger and do not have time to make this a five-part-er.  I just wanted to get some things down and throw this up.  If you get nothing else from this blog...please know that your happiness was, and always has been, within your grasp.  Take control of your life.  Don't let what others say, do, or think, change how you know you feel and how you want to feel or be or live.  Don't worry about what they're doing.  Just worry about you.  Work on you.  Be the best you.  We don't get two of you--so don't suck at it.

People will always want to spend time with the happy person.  People gravitate towards those people and don't even know it.  Eeyore was not cute.  He was miserable.  He was annoyingly depressing.  Don't be Eeyore.  If anything, be Tigger.  Bounce the fuck around without a care in the world.

There will always be hunger and war and hatred and whatever else in the world.  We need to accept the things we cannot change.  But always always change the things we can.  Spread the happy once you've found it.  Share it with anyone who needs it.

Realize that you can be happy right now.  You have so many things to be thankful for today.  Don't wait for that job, that man, that house, those kids.  Life is too short.  Please realize that we do not have endless days to find happiness.  Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

You are responsible for your own happiness.  No one else.  No one is going to hand it to you.  Find what makes you happy.  Find who makes you happy.  Surround yourself with these things and these people.  And get rid of anyone or anything that drags you down.  You don't need that in your life.  You're better than that.  In fact, you're absolutely amazing.  You're a great person.  Everyone should realize this about you.  And if they don't...either help show them who you really are--or move on from them.  Don't waste your time on people who will never realize this.

Happiness is not a destination...it's a journey.  You should be able to stop at least once a day and say "I'm happy today because..."

Time heals all wounds.  If you are currently in a bad place, know that everything is temporary if you give it enough time.  We are resilient.  I have lived through things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  And I am stronger for it.  And I appreciate the little things more because of it.  Do that.  Appreciate the little things.  And the big things.  Be thankful.  Be thankful for what you have and who you have.  All is never lost.

Even if you're still single, or you're childless, or you're just waiting for something big in your life to come along--be that thing.  Be that big thing in your life that comes along.  Be thankful that you already have such great people in your life.  And maybe one day that other person will come...and maybe they won't...but you need to know that you can be happy no matter what happens.  Don't place your happiness in an event or in something or someone tangible--because you can lose those things.  And then you'll have nothing.  Don't be left with nothing.  Fill your heart and soul with things that make you happy and you are never alone.  You will always have that.

Be so happy that when others look at you, they become happy.

You can do it.  Or you can fake it until you get there naturally with no help or hard work.  And if all else fails...just put on the Jack Johnson Pandora radio station and realize that there's a whole genre of music out there from people who are where you need to be.

Before I quote, misquote, plagiarize, or just flat out use one more cliched euphemism...I will leave you with this...

and wish you nothing but happiness.  Because we all deserve at least that.