Online Dating in Your 30's

Let me preface this by saying no one ever plans to end up here.  Here being 31, single, left with no other option but to sign up online to try and meet people.  I was supposed to meet my husband in college.  We were supposed to graduate, get jobs, get married, have kids, live happily ever after.  I should have dated more in college.  I am friends on Facebook with some of the guys I met in college.  On occasion I see them post pics of their wives and children and I think to myself--why didn't I ever see the potential in this guy?  I can't help but think that if I had just made a move back then...could that have been me in those pictures?

Suffice it to say, I made some piss poor decisions and gambled on the wrong ponies.  And now that I'm out of college, I will never again be in a location where there are 4,000 single men my age coming at me from all angles of a 5 block radius.  No more fraternity house parties.  No more sorority formal dances.  No more Homecoming float building.  No more movie nights on the lawn.  I'll never know just how many opportunities I missed out on there--and frankly living in the past is pathetic anyway so I don't dwell on it.

So then you're thrown in the working world where sometimes you're the only one in an entire building who is your age.  Sometimes there are a couple people in your age group, but most likely you pretend that you're friends because of that common ground, but secretly you can't stand them.  Or, maybe you're in my situation where you work for a company where all the managers were popping zits in junior high while you were earning a bachelor's degree.  My point being that meeting people at work isn't always an option.  And even if I did want to date someone I could have easily baby-sat for in high school...it's not even allowed at my company.  Hire tons of good looking people right out of college, throw them in an all-office happy hour, and then forbid them to cross any lines from business to pleasure.  

This is my life.  And this is why I'm online dating.  Sure...I tried the bar thing.  And--if online profiles are to be believed--so has everyone else on that website.  One night when I was really bored I seriously considered writing the sentences I read regularly on these damn profiles and then going out and taking a written pole.  This one says they're "tired of the bar scene"...check 1 next to 'bar scene.'  This guy wants "a girl who likes to go out and have fun, but who can also appreciate a night in"...check 1 next to 'night in.'  

The descriptions are all the same too.  There are about 6 different types of guys online and almost all of them fit in to a very obvious category, as well as multiple others.  There's the guy who's just on there to get laid--profile pic typically has abs in it somewhere.  Definitely a selfie in front of the bathroom mirror.  Usually his body type is "athletic and toned" and he's looking for girls who "take care of their bodies."  Sometimes they're just plain horn-dogs and will message just about anyone to get laid.  But any guy online with a sexual preference can usually find someone who fits his bill.  Hell, they let you narrow down your search by specific criteria such as body type and type of relationship you're looking for.  

And of course there are the guys who've been burned before.  These guys are typically angry in their profile descriptions--or have an undertone of anger.  You'll be hard-pressed to find a list of things he "wants" in a woman...but he'll have two paragraphs dedicated to the type of woman he "doesn't want!"  You can damn well bet he basically uses those two paragraphs to get back at his ex who he believes embodies all the characteristics he listed.  "I only want honest women who don't cheat."  No liars.  No psychos.  No cheaters.  No crazy bitches.  You get the picture.  You can't help but wonder if things ended up going bad between the two of you--how he might describe you in his next profile.  I would hope to be described something like a bat shit crazy man eater....

Bless the hearts of the nice guys who are unpleasant on the eyes.  These guys got dealt two shitty hands in life.  Not only are they the nicest guys ever, but they are the most likely to end up in the friend category and stay there forever--should they even get your attention enough to be a part of your life.  These guys don't take flattering pictures and yet they insist on posting ten of them.  In real life, these guys would never approach 1/4 of the girls they email online hoping one of them will fall for their charm and wit so what he looks like doesn't matter.  

Then there are the douche bags.  These are the guys who are ripped. Typically they have fast things pictured like motorcycles or sports cars.   I guarantee at least one of their profile pics will be them, in a tight tee, with one bicep on display, with an arm band tattoo of some kind.  These are the guys who like to get in to a fight when they get to drinking.  I can't help but think that one day they might just try and fight me.  But then I realize these guys are too good looking for their own good.  They know they are sexy so they typically say douchie things like "Please don't message me if you're 40 pounds heavier than your profile picture.  I'm not trying to be mean, but I just know what I'm attracted to..."

And the nerds.  And the geeks and the freaks.  These guys are sometimes hipsters too.  They like to throw every obscure reference to anything in life that they know about.  Typically they are over-educated and like to show off how much so.  Some of them are world travelers and their profile pics look like they rounded the world in 80 days.  They'll have a picture of them in the distance climbing a mountain or hanging out with the locals of the country.  They'll have heard every song you haven't and have read every book you've never heard of.  They can cook.  Sometimes they can even dress themselves.  Usually they have some sort of spectacles on.  Unruly--or kept--facial hair.  Some sort of artistic pose in a profile pic.  And usually they play one, or multiple, instruments.  I don't exactly know who these guys date.  Are their comparable women in the estrogen world?  I don't know.  I know I am not one of them.  I have no idea what their "type" is...but I know I'm not it.  

My second to last type is hard to explain.  I don't want to sound like I rule these guys out because of their situation.  Because a lot of these guys are great genuine guys who deserve a great woman in their life to love them.  But it's also something that could end up being a very difficult bag to carry.  It's the single fathers.  You have to give it to them...they are a part of their children's lives and that's great!  Any dad who loves their children and takes care of them and shows them off is commendable.  But that's a possible huge role you're possibly signing up for by dating him.  You can't deny that if things get serious with you--these kids may one day be under your care.  Even if it starts out as the friendliest, most casual of meetings...why waste your time if it could end up there and you're not ready or willing for that?  I'm not saying a child is a deal breaker--but they definitely make things difficult and I'll always pick a childless guy if he's got the same qualities as a single father.  

The last type of guy is the elusive one.  When you find him, it's rare, and when he actually acknowledges you--rarer still.  It's the guy I'm looking for.  The one who is me.  Yes...just like me.  The guy who maybe was really career driven up until his thirties and now he's finally where he wants to be and is ready to start a family.  Or someone who jumped from career to career until he found one he liked.  Was too busy changing jobs or moving apartments or hanging out with friends--to meet someone.  Or met someone, fell for them, and they didn't feel the same way so it just never happened.  

I'm a child of divorce.  Two of them actually...I've lived through two.  My mom was young when she had me and she had been through two divorces and three kids by my age.  Working on kid 4 and marriage 3.  She didn't have the chance to live the life I've lived.  She always used to say things like "I wish I could've done that when I was your age."  She never wanted that life for me.  She always encouraged me to go to college and make something of myself.  So I did.  And then I hit the working world.  I fell for one guy in college and two guys after college.  Needless to say, none of them ever reciprocated my feelings.  Getting rejected from someone you were ready to really care about--hurts.  Hurts more than some schmuck you went on one date with.  

It hurts like a bitch actually...that's what it does.  You feel like you've been cheated.  All the nice things they said, all the nice things they did, all the nice times you had...and they never had any intention of choosing you.  So you have to watch them move on to who they really wanted and watch them be happy.  Probably get married.  Live the life you sat and fantasized about having from the day you met them.  Those guys were so long ago that those things have happened.  I'm just lucky I'm not in the phase directly after where you don't trust a damn person and you feel like you'll never meet anyone.  

No one should try to date if they're not over their shit.  If you still have intense angry/hatred-filled feelings toward someone then you probably aren't ready to feel the opposite about someone else, someone new.  I've gone on dates with these guys who say they are over their ex, but spend the first half of your date talking about the ways she did him wrong.  What's even worse is after one guy and I had decided we weren't going on a second date--he sent me a text message, meant for his ex, of some naked girl as proof that he's "moved on."  Whether that was by accident, or on purpose, who knows.  All I know is these guys are not ready to be dating.  I wish they'd come with a tag that warned against them.  Something that flashes in red lights and says "Warning: Baggage."  

The difference between online dating in your twenties is that everyone in their twenties is still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  Most haven't been in more than one serious relationship and that was his high school girl.  They don't have kids.  They may not have serious jobs yet so they can meet any night of the week--not just on the weekends.  And even if they have to work the next day--they will be 100% recovered from a late night.  If you don't like someone...you don't write to them.  If there is one little thing--teeth aren't white enough, hair is too long, he misspelled a lot as alot...done.  Next.  You can freely just click to the next guy.  You never stop and think...well wait, maybe he's a nice guy; maybe he looks better in real life, maybe he'd treat me well.  If he's not hot--he won't get a response.  

You don't have those options when you're 30.  You're lucky if he's never been married and even luckier if he doesn't have any kids.  Most men in their 30's do.  But I'm on the cusp of 30.  I have my search set as low as 27...and I wouldn't be against a very mature 25 year old.  So there's a little difference.  Any older than 35 and they start to get too close to my dad's age.  So I stick to the late 20-somethings or early 30-somethings.  Just hoping to find someone like me.  Some people are single at 30 because they're freaks.  I have gone on a date with this type of guy--after one date he asks you not to "get to know" other people while we're "getting to know each other and decide if we want to be exclusive."  Let me get this right...you don't want me to meet other people?  I'm not allowed to meet any new people while we get to know each other and decide if we want to be serious?  So basically you're saying, after one date, that you want to date exclusively.  Hel-lo crazy!

A blog about the men I've gone out on dates with...or tried to...is another blog in and of itself.  That will have to be my next one.  But, as I'm sure you can guess, none of those have worked out.  If they had, this'd be a very different type of blog.  I've had, in fact, some of the worst luck with men these past couple years.  It's enough to make a girl resign to the fact that I'm forever alone.  

But I really want a family.  I really do.  I've always known I wanted to be a mother.  I'm the oldest daughter in 5 kids.  I was born and raised to have a family.  I love my family and I want my own.  That is why I'm still doing this.  That is why I am online.  My real life options suddenly seemed so small.  And no men from my past are going to suddenly show up and tell me they made a huge mistake years ago and it's me they want!  Gosh, I can't even start thinking about that because I'll be up all night playing the "what if" game.  

So I go on these terrible dates with men who I wasn't even sure I was really interested in--but he asked so I went.  I try to be open-minded.  Everyone says "date outside of your box."  This means two things, one--stop sleeping with these men on the first date and start dating for real.  And two--pick men you wouldn't usually go for...date outside your type.  I don't know what my type is.  At least not in a way that I can describe in an online dating profile.  But I do know when I don't find it.  I haven't been on one date where I've found it.  I've thought...well he's nice...I could hang out with him for a while.  Or sometimes...absolutely not.  He needs to delete my number.  Hoping.  I do this hoping that one day it just might pay off.  The worlds might align.  The hands of fate will step in.  Whomever will answer my prayers.  And the guy I'm looking for just might find me and just might send me a message and we just might meet and we might fall in love.  

In the end...I really am a romantic at heart.  Even if we meet online and not in the "real world."  At this point my options are online or hoping the love gods hand me someone while I'm waiting in line at the grocery store.  But from what you've read about my online experience...I'm sure you can understand that I'm still hoping to meet someone in the melon aisle...