Always a bridesmaid...
I hate that now that I'm getting older...typing these things up is harder without my glasses. I only wear reading glasses for use in front of the computer when I'm at work, but I'm sitting here squinting and wishing I had a pair on me right now. Guess I'll have to suffer through...
So I just got done watching the movie Bachelorette. It was a little known movie that never really had a big release in theaters. In fact, I'm pretty sure it never made it to my theater. It's got pretty big names in it though...Rebel Wilson, Kirsten Dunst, Lizzy Caplan, Isla Fisher...to name a few. I'm a big fan of those girls and I loved them all in this movie. Unlike the movie Bridesmaids...this one was pretty true to life. And like any good movie--it got me thinking about my life and even influenced my decision to actually write another blog.
If you're just tuning in...here's what you need to know about me: I'm 31, just turned. I have been single for going on...ohhh the better part of a decade. Yikes. I can say that and it's actually true. If we're counting down the days it's been, uhhh, well, maybe about 8 years or so. To be honest, most people don't even consider that I had a boyfriend--including my then boyfriend--for most of the time we were dating, so let's just say it's been a while. So, yeah, I'm serially single. If that's even the correct way to use that term.
My life stories are fucking wild and totally crazy. When you're single (and childless) for 8 years you have a lot of time to get in to a lot of trouble. And I did. I have. I hope to again. While college was a crazy 5 years of my life (don't ask, it involves the ex-doesn't-admit-he-is/was-my-boyfriend)...the years since college have been even crazier. When some day I sit down and count all the things I've done--the one thing I won't say is "I wish I would have tried..."
To put my life in to harsh perspective, just last weekend actually I was at a brunch with some fellow sorority sisters. Some I've known since college; some were girls from other chapters that I had just met that day. We ranged in age from 25 to 39. I was smack dab in the middle. And besides the youngest girl at the table, I was the only single, not married, not engaged, not pregnant, no children at home--sister. While all the ladies spoke of wedding plans and episiotomies...I had absolutely nothing to contribute. Sure, I could say "Oh when I get married I'm going to have a strict no-children-at-the-ceremony rule" or "I'm totally doing a destination" but let's be honest...I may NEVER get married. Ahhhh. I know. It's scary to think...but seriously you reach an age where you could easily slip into spinsterhood. And the more men I meet, the more I think this may be a strong possibility.
At one point I remember saying...I don't have anything to contribute to wedding planning or baby having, but if you want to talk about making bad decisions at bartime...
But really--it's kind of awful sitting there as the odd man out. It's like I'm 18 all over again. It's like all the girls are sitting around someone's bed discussing their latest blow job or sleeping with their boyfriend on the couch in his parent's basement...and I'm all like...uhhh, I kissed a guy once. I let him touch my boob over my shirt... Seriously...why am I always so goddamn behind on this shit?? I waited until I was 20 to have sex because I wanted it to count. I wanted it to mean something. And dammit, I wanted to be in love first. And I'm happy to say that even though we were wasted on cheap keg beer--I waited for "the one" and it was wonderful. And we did it over and over and the heavens opened up and yadda yadda yadda.
My friends who slept with guys when they were kids--well, their stories aren't so magical. They were lucky if the guy even talked to them the next day let alone called the doctor to get you a prescription for the morning after pill because the both of you were too horny and excited to stop what you were doing and scramble to the roommates dresser to grab a condom...er...anyway... So my point is, my friends who slept around in high school have terrible first time stories. I have a great story and I got to keep fucking the guy for an additional three years. The fact that he fucked some other house party slut (or more? but I only got him to admit to one) when I went home to visit my family notwithstanding...
So the point I'm making off of my point...is that I waited to have sex. I waited until I found the person I wanted to do it with. And then we waited an additional two years to actually do it. We thought a LOT about it. I spent my entire life waiting for the perfect person and I don't regret a single thing about it. The three years following is FULL of regrets--but that's a story for never.
Waiting to get married is kind of like waiting to have sex. While the idea of it is absolutely magical...the execution is not always so pretty. You see all your friends doing it and you want to do it. You want to know what it's like. You're desperate to have stories to contribute when the hens flock together and start squawking about their lives. The need to fit in is absolutely palpable. But then you start to notice that the girls that got married really young, right away...well their stories are sometimes similar to the friends that got fucked for the first time at 16 in the basement of their boyfriends house. It lasted 2 minutes and all the while Dazed and Confused was playing in the background. And then it's over.
Not to sound inconsiderate for the feelings of my friends who are going through a divorce right now...or have gone through one--or more...but I can't help but think, is it because you jumped in to it too fast? When you were too young? The excitement is there, sure...the love is there too...but is the commitment? Are you really ready to give up everything for the first guy who gets down on one knee? Or was it a relationship that was stagnant and it seemed like it was shit or get off the pot? Do I really want to get married under those circumstances?
I love all my friends...I really do. And I really wish for their happiness...but it's very easy to judge a situation when you're sitting at a guest table at a wedding of a couple who you know deep down in your heart should not be getting married (in your opinion). Sometimes it's everyone's opinion and no one has the cojones to say anything to these two people because no one wants to hurt anyone's feelings.
Now I've had married friends tell me "wait to get married" which makes me think...do you wish you had too? It's not something to rush in to. It's not something to do for fun of it. It's not the next step when two people have reached their peak. Not every relationship peak is getting fucking married! I have many many gay friends who still can't get married (and THAT is most definitely a blog for another day) so their peak--for now--will never be marriage. So what then?
I have been a bridesmaid 4 times. I hold that number pretty dear to my heart...even if I'm not as close with the brides as I once was. That's the thing about bridesmaids...you pick the people you are closest with at that one point in your life. Sometimes it's forever friends, sometimes it's right now friends. But to be chosen to be part of someones big day is usually the honor of your friendship lifetime! I absolutely adore being a bridesmaid--and not only for the opportunity to meet friends of the groom who potentially I could be fucking before the night is over. Or in the best of situations, whose number I get and keep in touch with over the years. But it really is great to be part of the big show. Especially when you look over at your good friend and realize she is marrying the love of her life and they are going to live happily ever after....50% of the time.
This is why I wait. That scary statistic. The fact that both my parents have been married, not once, not twice...but three times!! Three weddings. Three spouses. One lifetime. You know what I want? Either one spouse or no spouse. I'm not fucking around here. I'm not throwing the most expensive party of my entire life for some douchebag who's going to want out as soon as I get old and ugly.
Fuck that.
The man I decide to spend the rest of my life with will not be the first fucking man to come along. He will not be some poor schmuck I trick in to marrying me or bully in to marrying me or settle in to marrying. I would rather stay single and self-absorbed than bring children in to a miserable life to make me feel better.
And some people say "Well that's why she's still single...she's too picky." Well you're fucking right I'm picky. You're fucking right I'm not going to settle for some Sloth looking mother-fucker just because he's the only guy to express interest in me. If I can never find a man who thinks I'm fabulous--then all the men of the world can go fuck themselves for all I care. What the hell kind of man is going to look at me and not find me beautiful? Obviously not the man for me. We all have different tastes and that's all right.
In fact, right now I'm not even looking at all. I had some terrible experiences with online dating (see past blogs) and just decided I'm done with all that. I'm done looking. For now. Maybe not forever, but for now. Not saying I'm not going to ask "is he hot, is he single, can I meet him" whenever someone brings up the name of a living breathing male they know. I'll always have one eye out--but I'm not looking. This is the year I've declared Bridesmaid-For-Life. I'm accepting that I may never find a man I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with. I know I'm a little young to be giving up for good--so I'm just giving up for now. I'm focusing on finding a love that's more pure and true.
Myself.
That's right. This is the year of Alicia. I started a New Year's Resolution to lose weight and get in shape. And, surprise, I actually stuck to it. I'm down 24 pounds (if I've just finished a workout and it's early in the morning otherwise it's still 22). I'm down one size--possibly two depending on the pants. In fact, speaking of pants--the pairs I bought last year are too big on me and I look like shit when I wear them, but I'm also too broke to buy new ones so I keep on wearing them and yanking them up as they fall down.
I finally found the money to get my highlights again...so I am also blonde. Not a big feat...anyone with bleach can do it...but it's my favorite hair color. I wear it well and I ALWAYS have more fun as a blonde. And I've been working on my wrinkles--er, my tan. Being that I look 24 anyway--what's a few extra wrinkles? People will preach to me about skin cancer while they take another puff of their cigarette. Fucking hypocrites.
But if you compare Alicia in April of 2013 vs Alicia in April of 2012...well I don't believe you'd even recognize me. I saw a picture of myself at my 30th birthday and made a pact to actually like what I looked like when I was 31. I look great. I feel great. Life is great. I did it. Well, I sort of did it. I'm a work in progress. I still have 13 pounds before I hit my first goal weight...and then I start a new goal of another 30. Yeah, yeah...fatty mcfee ate her feelings when she graduated--so sue me. I'm working on it! But getting healthy is a big part of that. Mostly because I can't afford good health insurance...haha...kinda...
But you just feel better when you work out and eat right. I do feel better. I'm not so lazy. I get up and do things. I like getting ready in the morning. I like my reflection again. I like to see my muscles develop and get reacquainted with bones I haven't seen in years. Well hello there bottom ribs...nice to know you were under all that fat. It's even nicer to have my ginormous boobs shrink. It is NOT a gift. Being a big girl with big boobs is not a fucking blessing. It's just more fat I have to lose off my body. I don't want small boobs unless I too am small...but jesus h have you ever tried to do the plow position in yoga with DD cups? You can't breath! They sit on your face and plug your orifices. If you can even do plow.
Fuck there's so much you can't do with extra weight. It's just something I don't want to deal with anymore. It's like quitting smoking. I'm quitting big portion sizes and laying around all the damn time. It's an addiction that you have to break. You have to wake up one day and decide you are finally done being this size. You're done shopping on the 'big girls' side of the store. You're done running out of breath when you go up the stairs. And you're really really done watching all these fantastic guys completely ignore you and talk to your skinny friends. Or worse...talk to you all night because god dammit you're fucking hilarious...and then ask for your friend's number who isn't even interested in him.
So that was my "lose weight feel great" soap box moment. Sort of got away from the point of my blog. Again, that's a blog for another day.
Bringing this whole disaster of a blog full circle--so what? So maybe I will spend my life being a bridesmaid. Maybe I will never be a bride. But at least I've lived the life I want to live. Should I take it to that next step I'll know it's because it's the right step--not just the next step. I'll know I'm not settling. I'll know I'm not tricking a man or bullying him or trapping him. It will be for the right reasons...or it won't be at all. At least the relationship I have with myself will be going strong and it's a love that I know will last a lifetime.
So I just got done watching the movie Bachelorette. It was a little known movie that never really had a big release in theaters. In fact, I'm pretty sure it never made it to my theater. It's got pretty big names in it though...Rebel Wilson, Kirsten Dunst, Lizzy Caplan, Isla Fisher...to name a few. I'm a big fan of those girls and I loved them all in this movie. Unlike the movie Bridesmaids...this one was pretty true to life. And like any good movie--it got me thinking about my life and even influenced my decision to actually write another blog.
If you're just tuning in...here's what you need to know about me: I'm 31, just turned. I have been single for going on...ohhh the better part of a decade. Yikes. I can say that and it's actually true. If we're counting down the days it's been, uhhh, well, maybe about 8 years or so. To be honest, most people don't even consider that I had a boyfriend--including my then boyfriend--for most of the time we were dating, so let's just say it's been a while. So, yeah, I'm serially single. If that's even the correct way to use that term.
My life stories are fucking wild and totally crazy. When you're single (and childless) for 8 years you have a lot of time to get in to a lot of trouble. And I did. I have. I hope to again. While college was a crazy 5 years of my life (don't ask, it involves the ex-doesn't-admit-he-is/was-my-boyfriend)...the years since college have been even crazier. When some day I sit down and count all the things I've done--the one thing I won't say is "I wish I would have tried..."
To put my life in to harsh perspective, just last weekend actually I was at a brunch with some fellow sorority sisters. Some I've known since college; some were girls from other chapters that I had just met that day. We ranged in age from 25 to 39. I was smack dab in the middle. And besides the youngest girl at the table, I was the only single, not married, not engaged, not pregnant, no children at home--sister. While all the ladies spoke of wedding plans and episiotomies...I had absolutely nothing to contribute. Sure, I could say "Oh when I get married I'm going to have a strict no-children-at-the-ceremony rule" or "I'm totally doing a destination" but let's be honest...I may NEVER get married. Ahhhh. I know. It's scary to think...but seriously you reach an age where you could easily slip into spinsterhood. And the more men I meet, the more I think this may be a strong possibility.
At one point I remember saying...I don't have anything to contribute to wedding planning or baby having, but if you want to talk about making bad decisions at bartime...
But really--it's kind of awful sitting there as the odd man out. It's like I'm 18 all over again. It's like all the girls are sitting around someone's bed discussing their latest blow job or sleeping with their boyfriend on the couch in his parent's basement...and I'm all like...uhhh, I kissed a guy once. I let him touch my boob over my shirt... Seriously...why am I always so goddamn behind on this shit?? I waited until I was 20 to have sex because I wanted it to count. I wanted it to mean something. And dammit, I wanted to be in love first. And I'm happy to say that even though we were wasted on cheap keg beer--I waited for "the one" and it was wonderful. And we did it over and over and the heavens opened up and yadda yadda yadda.
My friends who slept with guys when they were kids--well, their stories aren't so magical. They were lucky if the guy even talked to them the next day let alone called the doctor to get you a prescription for the morning after pill because the both of you were too horny and excited to stop what you were doing and scramble to the roommates dresser to grab a condom...er...anyway... So my point is, my friends who slept around in high school have terrible first time stories. I have a great story and I got to keep fucking the guy for an additional three years. The fact that he fucked some other house party slut (or more? but I only got him to admit to one) when I went home to visit my family notwithstanding...
So the point I'm making off of my point...is that I waited to have sex. I waited until I found the person I wanted to do it with. And then we waited an additional two years to actually do it. We thought a LOT about it. I spent my entire life waiting for the perfect person and I don't regret a single thing about it. The three years following is FULL of regrets--but that's a story for never.
Waiting to get married is kind of like waiting to have sex. While the idea of it is absolutely magical...the execution is not always so pretty. You see all your friends doing it and you want to do it. You want to know what it's like. You're desperate to have stories to contribute when the hens flock together and start squawking about their lives. The need to fit in is absolutely palpable. But then you start to notice that the girls that got married really young, right away...well their stories are sometimes similar to the friends that got fucked for the first time at 16 in the basement of their boyfriends house. It lasted 2 minutes and all the while Dazed and Confused was playing in the background. And then it's over.
Not to sound inconsiderate for the feelings of my friends who are going through a divorce right now...or have gone through one--or more...but I can't help but think, is it because you jumped in to it too fast? When you were too young? The excitement is there, sure...the love is there too...but is the commitment? Are you really ready to give up everything for the first guy who gets down on one knee? Or was it a relationship that was stagnant and it seemed like it was shit or get off the pot? Do I really want to get married under those circumstances?
I love all my friends...I really do. And I really wish for their happiness...but it's very easy to judge a situation when you're sitting at a guest table at a wedding of a couple who you know deep down in your heart should not be getting married (in your opinion). Sometimes it's everyone's opinion and no one has the cojones to say anything to these two people because no one wants to hurt anyone's feelings.
Now I've had married friends tell me "wait to get married" which makes me think...do you wish you had too? It's not something to rush in to. It's not something to do for fun of it. It's not the next step when two people have reached their peak. Not every relationship peak is getting fucking married! I have many many gay friends who still can't get married (and THAT is most definitely a blog for another day) so their peak--for now--will never be marriage. So what then?
I have been a bridesmaid 4 times. I hold that number pretty dear to my heart...even if I'm not as close with the brides as I once was. That's the thing about bridesmaids...you pick the people you are closest with at that one point in your life. Sometimes it's forever friends, sometimes it's right now friends. But to be chosen to be part of someones big day is usually the honor of your friendship lifetime! I absolutely adore being a bridesmaid--and not only for the opportunity to meet friends of the groom who potentially I could be fucking before the night is over. Or in the best of situations, whose number I get and keep in touch with over the years. But it really is great to be part of the big show. Especially when you look over at your good friend and realize she is marrying the love of her life and they are going to live happily ever after....50% of the time.
This is why I wait. That scary statistic. The fact that both my parents have been married, not once, not twice...but three times!! Three weddings. Three spouses. One lifetime. You know what I want? Either one spouse or no spouse. I'm not fucking around here. I'm not throwing the most expensive party of my entire life for some douchebag who's going to want out as soon as I get old and ugly.
Fuck that.
The man I decide to spend the rest of my life with will not be the first fucking man to come along. He will not be some poor schmuck I trick in to marrying me or bully in to marrying me or settle in to marrying. I would rather stay single and self-absorbed than bring children in to a miserable life to make me feel better.
And some people say "Well that's why she's still single...she's too picky." Well you're fucking right I'm picky. You're fucking right I'm not going to settle for some Sloth looking mother-fucker just because he's the only guy to express interest in me. If I can never find a man who thinks I'm fabulous--then all the men of the world can go fuck themselves for all I care. What the hell kind of man is going to look at me and not find me beautiful? Obviously not the man for me. We all have different tastes and that's all right.
In fact, right now I'm not even looking at all. I had some terrible experiences with online dating (see past blogs) and just decided I'm done with all that. I'm done looking. For now. Maybe not forever, but for now. Not saying I'm not going to ask "is he hot, is he single, can I meet him" whenever someone brings up the name of a living breathing male they know. I'll always have one eye out--but I'm not looking. This is the year I've declared Bridesmaid-For-Life. I'm accepting that I may never find a man I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with. I know I'm a little young to be giving up for good--so I'm just giving up for now. I'm focusing on finding a love that's more pure and true.
Myself.
That's right. This is the year of Alicia. I started a New Year's Resolution to lose weight and get in shape. And, surprise, I actually stuck to it. I'm down 24 pounds (if I've just finished a workout and it's early in the morning otherwise it's still 22). I'm down one size--possibly two depending on the pants. In fact, speaking of pants--the pairs I bought last year are too big on me and I look like shit when I wear them, but I'm also too broke to buy new ones so I keep on wearing them and yanking them up as they fall down.
I finally found the money to get my highlights again...so I am also blonde. Not a big feat...anyone with bleach can do it...but it's my favorite hair color. I wear it well and I ALWAYS have more fun as a blonde. And I've been working on my wrinkles--er, my tan. Being that I look 24 anyway--what's a few extra wrinkles? People will preach to me about skin cancer while they take another puff of their cigarette. Fucking hypocrites.
But if you compare Alicia in April of 2013 vs Alicia in April of 2012...well I don't believe you'd even recognize me. I saw a picture of myself at my 30th birthday and made a pact to actually like what I looked like when I was 31. I look great. I feel great. Life is great. I did it. Well, I sort of did it. I'm a work in progress. I still have 13 pounds before I hit my first goal weight...and then I start a new goal of another 30. Yeah, yeah...fatty mcfee ate her feelings when she graduated--so sue me. I'm working on it! But getting healthy is a big part of that. Mostly because I can't afford good health insurance...haha...kinda...
But you just feel better when you work out and eat right. I do feel better. I'm not so lazy. I get up and do things. I like getting ready in the morning. I like my reflection again. I like to see my muscles develop and get reacquainted with bones I haven't seen in years. Well hello there bottom ribs...nice to know you were under all that fat. It's even nicer to have my ginormous boobs shrink. It is NOT a gift. Being a big girl with big boobs is not a fucking blessing. It's just more fat I have to lose off my body. I don't want small boobs unless I too am small...but jesus h have you ever tried to do the plow position in yoga with DD cups? You can't breath! They sit on your face and plug your orifices. If you can even do plow.
Fuck there's so much you can't do with extra weight. It's just something I don't want to deal with anymore. It's like quitting smoking. I'm quitting big portion sizes and laying around all the damn time. It's an addiction that you have to break. You have to wake up one day and decide you are finally done being this size. You're done shopping on the 'big girls' side of the store. You're done running out of breath when you go up the stairs. And you're really really done watching all these fantastic guys completely ignore you and talk to your skinny friends. Or worse...talk to you all night because god dammit you're fucking hilarious...and then ask for your friend's number who isn't even interested in him.
So that was my "lose weight feel great" soap box moment. Sort of got away from the point of my blog. Again, that's a blog for another day.
Bringing this whole disaster of a blog full circle--so what? So maybe I will spend my life being a bridesmaid. Maybe I will never be a bride. But at least I've lived the life I want to live. Should I take it to that next step I'll know it's because it's the right step--not just the next step. I'll know I'm not settling. I'll know I'm not tricking a man or bullying him or trapping him. It will be for the right reasons...or it won't be at all. At least the relationship I have with myself will be going strong and it's a love that I know will last a lifetime.
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