Plenty of fish in the sea...

http://esl.culips.com/2009/07/expression-plenty-of-fish/

It's no secret that I have dived in to the treacherous waters that is the virtual world of meeting people on the internet...and I've really tried my best to stay afloat.  In real life, I'm a great swimmer.  Unfortunately in this proverbial water I can barely tread water--no matter how many guys throw their life savers at me.  I've always been a big fan of blogs with numbered lists.  I think they read better...so I'm going to go ahead and list some truths about online dating--from my point of view.

1.  Half-naked profile pictures:  For whatever reason, men and women choose the world wide web as the best place to post half naked pictures of themselves to try and find a mate.  I can't tell you how many friggen men have pictures on their profiles that they took with their cell phones while standing shirtless in front of their bathroom mirror.  Unless you're by a body of water, men will have their clothes on when you meet them.  That's how I prefer to meet my men.  Then again, if you're trying to hook that shallow girl who only cares about your abs...guess that's the best way to do it.

2.  Piss-poor profile descriptions:  For every 20 or so profiles I read, maybe 1 stands out where I say to myself "Wow, I want to meet this guy!"  Most men are terrible at typing up coherent descriptions of themselves it seems.  I am a self-described grammar-nazi so it's really hard for me to read profiles full of run on sentences, missed capitalization, and spelling errors.  That's not to say I can't overlook such things, but if the same picture is attached to two profiles, I'll always pick the one I can actually read.

3.  Hate profiles:  You can tell the guys who've dated the crazies because they always have rage-filled profiles spewing about how they are done with lying, cheating, back-stabbing, shallow, fill-in-the-blank, women.  These are red-flag guys who are clearly either rebounding or not over the crazy that made them that way.  They spend so much time talking about what they don't want in a woman that they completely isolate themselves in to a no-fly-zone.  No girl in her right...or crazy...mind will write to this guy out of pure fear of what he might end up saying about them should things end badly.

4.  Over-inflated egos:  Oh, so you're Brad Pitt?  Is that why you will only date girls who are petite/skinny/athletic/tall/tan/blonde/whatever?  Lots of guys think they are god's gift to women.  That's nothing new.  But when you put that attitude out online...you're alienating a lot of great ladies.  I've read profiles where guys say don't even bother writing if you're not small because I won't be attracted to you.  I've even read "no fatties please"--as if most of these guys can even talk.  The girls who think so highly of themselves that they respond to those ads will end up being those crazies you'll write about later (see number 3 above).

5. Standards:  Everyone has them.  If you're like me, you'll start out with some impossibly high ones.  And then the longer you shuffle through, the lower they seem to get.  You'll start out wanting nothing less than a blond-haired-blue-eyed-6 foot-cutie with an incredible smile and a great sense of humor who writes like Stephen King and will sing to you like Bruno Mars.  Then you'll find yourself writing a gremlin-esque dude with weird facial hair, one picture of himself, and 6 pictures of his cat--because his profile didn't exhibit any of numbers 1-4 from above.

6.  Initial Contact:  With all of the above scenarios (and more that I just don't have time to write about tonight) it's amazing to think that there is actually anyone out there worth contacting.  But, alas, if you're online--then there's got to be men/women like you online.  Every now and again I come across the profile of a guy who looks normal, writes normal, and then my expectations raise up.  However that brings me to number 7...

http://guanabee.com/2010/03/lady-gaga-telephone-video/

7.  Emails:  No one you want to write to will write you back.  And vice versa...you will not want to write anyone who writes to you.  It's a horrible vicious cycle.  I probably get an average of 4-5 emails a day (sometimes as much as 8-10, sometimes only 1 or 2).  I break down and answer maybe 1 out of every 10.  And I'm usually not writing to a guy I'm actually interested in...he just ends up being the least likely to chop me up in to little pieces and hide me in his basement.  I do it to keep my feet in the water and my profile visible in case someone "good" actually come along.  But sometimes someone does surprise you and you take it to the next level...

8.  Chatting:  If you find yourself sending subsequent emails on a regular basis, you eventually end up chatting because it's just easier then refreshing your browser every minute.  I have a hard time with chatting.  Again, it's the writing...bad grammar/spelling is really hard for me to overlook.  When you meet someone in real life, you never know how they write so it's not a factor.  When all you do is chat...it's impossible to miss!  Sarcasm is completely lost.  And you have to continuously type :) ;) lol, haha, etc., to get across the fact that you're smiling or laughing at something.  Honestly?  I HATE "lol."  But you have to conform.  You have to follow the online chatting vernacular.  Sometimes good people are bad writers.  If they have a great mind...it will show through.  And that's when it's time to exchange numbers...

9.  Texting:  Not everyone has the fancy smartphone I do where you just add the online dating app and have access to it 24/7 so you know the minute you receive any kind of message or profile view.  And if you want to be able to reach your new "friend" at all hours of the day...you exchange numbers.  Texting is casual...one step down from actual voice contact and one step up from chatting because it's more personal.  This is your PHONE NUMBER.  It's your lifeline to the outside world.  This person will now be able to text you while you're at work, hanging with your family, out at a bar.  They have a direct line to you and will hopefully use it to send cute little "good morning" texts or mid-afternoon "hope you're having a good day" pick-me-up texts.

10.  Boring guys:  Sometimes you don't ever make it past emails or chatting.  There have been a couple guys I gave my number to and we texted for a while.  And I'll admit, it was nice to have a guy asking about my day.  Of course you never know if they really care or if you're just one of the 10 girls he's texting that day.  There was this one guy who was super adorable...but his emails and texts were just so boring.  Sometimes it seemed like he couldn't keep the girls straight he was texting because he'd send me a "Hi, how's your day" three different times, as if he forgot he already asked me three hours earlier.  Seriously?       Eventually I realized I just didn't care to tell him how my day was and I politely ended that.  But sometimes they aren't boring and you really just want to hear their voice!

11.  The first phone call:  Dun, dun, duuuuunnnnn.  This is where things get awkward.  Emails, chatting, texting...it's all just words.  Almost like you're just talking to a computer person who is not real.  When you're chatting...you have time to think up clever responses.  If you type a response and it's not as clever as you thought it was, you can just delete it and they will never know you were going to say it.  Talking on the phone brings two big things in to play...the other person's voice...and, hopefully, instantaneous conversation. There's a lot you can hear in someone's voice that you can't catch by just reading their words.  But still, it can get awkward if there are giant pauses where neither person knows what to say.  You get so used to being able to type something and walk away and come back to a response that when you get on the phone, you're forced to think on your toes.  Your real personality comes out.  You can actually hear the person laugh instead of just reading an "lol" and taking their word for it.  You can find out if they actually think you're funny!  Talking on the phone is a lost art in this world of texting.

12.  To meet, or not to meet:  If you've made it to the phone call stage and you were able to keep a conversation going...then chances are, meeting up with the person is the next obvious step.  I've had friends who skip all the dancing around and will meet up after only a couple emails.  They just hop to it instead of spending days or weeks with the back and forth.  Some people are fearless that way.  Saves time, it sure does.  But some people are like me and want to be totally 100% sure before deciding to meet.  I want to be sure the person is worth it before putting myself out there like that.  So you can imagine I don't meet a lot of people.  And no matter how often you've chatted, or texted, or talked on the phone...nothing prepares you for that first 30 minutes of total and complete awkwardness as you try to put the entire picture of the other person together.  Words, voice, face.  It's a lot to take in.

13.  First date:  Where do you go?  What do you do?  Is it going to be this big official "DATE" with dinner and a movie or is it going to just be something casual like drinks or coffee?  So much to decide!  I think coffee or drinks is certainly a good way to go because then you're not dropping a lot of money (or they're not anyway!) and if it's bad, you don't have to suffer through it, you can just go.  Most of my friends had their first date over drinks.  It's a lot easier to loosen up with the joy sauce, I'll tell you what.  If I'm stone sober I am completely on edge and can really only exhale once I've walked through my door at the end of the night.  Some people might think that's half the fun...I call it terrifying!

14.  Subsequent dates:  So did the first one go well?  Or at least not horribly bad?  Most of my friends said they didn't know until after the 3rd date whether or not they liked a guy.  I used to think that it was instantaneous.  First impressions are everything they say!  I figured if it was going to work, you'd feel that magical connection from day one and everything would fall in to place.  Um, nope.  That's what watching 30 years of romantic comedies will do to a person! Those standards are impossibly high.  In my past I have met guys and had them in my bedroom in a manner of hours.  In fact, my record would be the time I met a guy as the lights came on for last call.  That was like 20 minutes flat before we were getting a cab.  But then you have to stand back and realize that alcohol was the magic.  Those are not nicholas sparks...those are booze sparks!  (Did you see what I did there?)  If you know in 20 minutes that you want to sleep with someone...chances are you'll be vomiting up your beer goggles within the hour.

15.  Then what?:  Where do you go from there?  How many dates is enough to realize you actually like a person and want to date them exclusively?  Do you keep dating other people until you get serious with someone?  I don't fucking know.  I've never made it that far.

I hate dating.  I really do.  I've been single so long I forgot how much I hate it.  I love having my inbox filled with emails from guys who are interested in me...but it's not real.  I wish men in real life would flock to me the way they do online.  That's what makes online dating even worse than meeting someone in real life.  There are so many EXTRA steps you have to go through.  If men would just come up to me in real life and ask me out then we could skip all the shenanigans.

I wish when I went out, men would walk up to me and say "I love you're smile" "You're really cute" "I want to take you home to meet my mother" like they do in my inbox.  Maybe being online allows them to be more brave/bold/outgoing...whatever.  I hear that I guess.  At least it's easier to ignore someone I'm not interested in online than it is in real life.  But there's nothing I hate more than the games that come with dating.  I'm not a game player.  If I like you, I want to talk to you...I want to see you...and I want to do it often.  I don't like the waiting game.  Should I text?  Should I call?  Is it too soon?  Is he sick of me?  When is he going to call?  Is he talking to someone hotter right now?  Who else is he going out with?  Bah.  Fuck that.  I hate that shit.

But that's what this is all about right?  It's supposed to be the fun of dating.  Getting to meet so many new people and having your life enriched either way.  Even if someone turns out to be just a friend, you can always use more friends!  I really do like meeting new people.  Keeps life interesting.  I just hate the self-consciousness that comes from dating.  While you're sizing someone up, they are sizing you up.  I may come off as totally confident and care-free when I'm out with guys...but really, inside there's this girl who is constantly worrying if she's good enough.  I don't like doubting myself like that.  I will not base my self-worth on whether or not a man thinks I'm date-able.  I just have to keep fighting off those self-conscious doubts I guess.

There is one thing I do have to say...whether I meet a guy online or in person...I just hope he's ready for what I'm offering.  I'm not a kid anymore.  I am fully aware of who I am as a person and what I want in life.  I am ready to meet someone who will grow and learn with me.  I want to be with someone who will make me be a better person.  I know I'm not perfect and the choices and mistakes I have made along the way have led me here.  I'm willing to take a step back and really look at myself honestly.

I've spent so many years just getting drunk and having a good time.  The men I met played fast and loose and I was right there with them.  While that was perfectly fine for my 20s...I am more than ready to change my ways for the right person.  I have guarded my heart for so many years since it was last broken.  I never wanted to feel pain like that again.  It was the worst, darkest, loneliest place and I never want to go back there.  It's a tall order to have someone walk in to that and take it on, I suppose.  But I guess the right person will be willing to take it slow and show me what it's like when two people make each other better.

I guess that's what all this dating stuff is for.  I guess if I have to go through all of that to meet the one person who will prove to me that it is worth it...then that is what I will do.  Until then...