Where have all the cowboys gone?

http://petticoatsandpistols.com/category/cowboys/

And when I say cowboys...I'm not talking ass-less chaps and gun holsters.  I'm just using it as a euphemism for nice normal single men in their 30s.  Do they even exist?  Maybe I should be asking that question instead.  I mean, I'd like to say that since nice normal single women in their 30's...ahem...exist, then their counterparts must as well.  But that's just an unproven theory.  And I never really was one for statistics...

There is a very good reason why I'm single.  I've been asked that by a lot of people in, well I'll just say it, the older generation.  People my parent's age are always asking me why I'm still single.  Like I'll have some creative answer along the lines of  "Well, I've just spent so much time saving the world...I don't really have time for a boyfriend..."  Or maybe even something so normal as "I just got out of a long-term relationship and I'm not really ready to date right now."  Both of those have the same likelihood of being true right now.

I have not "just" gotten out of anything.  It's been years and years and years since I've ever used the word "boyfriend."  I can't remember the last time I said "my boyfriend..." in a present tense context.  It's a tragic story really considering the fact that I don't know anyone in the entire world who has been single for as long as I have (childhood, adolescence, and widows not included).  So I don't have a good story when people ask me why I'm single.  My story is too long to tell someone who I know doesn't care as much as they seem to.  I can sum it up, however, with the statement that I believe I have some damn high standards.

I don't ask for much really...just a nice intelligent guy with an honest smile and a great sense of humor!  I have actually come across a few men in my travels who have measured up to my standards...on paper at least.  I go crazy for these guys...fall hard...usually fall fast.  They give me a little attention.  Get me to think they are actually interested in me.  Maybe we even sleep together.  But then when push comes to shove...they always turn in to assholes.  One played me for a fool for sure.  I poured my stupid silly heart out to him one night.  He did the same to me on another night.  And then when I put my cards on the table...he picked his cards up and ran out of the room like a little bitch.  Literally...he ran out of my apartment.  He's married now...

Another one made me feel sexy.  He was so hot.  I just couldn't wait to get him naked.  But we had nothing in common.  The only reason I liked him was his looks.  It was a very shallow one-sided situation.  But I felt powerful.  A lot of girls wanted him and I got him.  Or, had him.  I never forced him to be anything.  We were nothing but casual for 3 years (three years I could've been getting serious with someone else) and I was totally okay with it.  I didn't want anything serious with him.  But then he dipped his pen in more than just my company ink.  I am not down with crossing company paths, if you know what I mean.  No friends, no family, and no coworkers.  He couldn't do it.  Was just too hot to sleep with one girl at that company I guess...

And then there were few crushes I had on a few very unavailable men.  I believed for a hot minute that I might actually have a chance with one of these guys.  He was always cracking sexual jokes around me.  Made me feel special with all the attention he gave me--in public--in front of our friends.  We had a few fun nights together.  But when push came to shove he decided not to invite me to his birthday because he thought it'd be awkward--so he invited some cute skinny blonde girl he'd just met instead.  And then a couple months later he brought his skinny, horse-faced, totally and completely boring, new girlfriend to MY birthday party.  This was all right after he got done telling me he wasn't ready to date anyone.

http://www.quickmeme.com/Forever-Alone/

The last guy I was really able to connect with on a mental level...was a coworker.  I couldn't get past his appearance for the longest time.  I just thought he was the biggest gamer nerd in the entire world.  Worst dressed.  Worst haircut.  Worst worst worst.  But he was hilarious.  And smart.  And he was a writer.  And we could sit at a restaurant and talk for what seemed like minutes, but ended up being 5 hours.  We talked and talked all the time.  And then one night over a 5 hour sushi dinner, he told me he can be friends with girls as long as he's not interested in them.  Here I thought I was being mature by ignoring the fact that he wore khaki pants with black t-shirts and tennis shoes...and he was turning ME down.

So maybe I have a really off base idea of what kind of guy I can get.  I mean, I must think I'm way better looking than I actually am--which is sad, because I don't think too highly of my looks these days.  But I used to get some really hot guys.  I did.  Back when I was hot.  I've lost whatever spark it was that I had when I was in my 20's.  I felt pretty invincible for a while--well, at least I did once I graduated college and got out from under the crazy relationship that I was clinging desperately to.

But even though I'm not what I used to be...I still think I'm pretty fucking awesome.  I mean, I'm hilarious for one...

I played the part of crazy girlfriend.  I did the obsessing over the guy, getting jealous of every female in his life, starting fights with my friends over it, reading texts, reading emails, just being crazy.  I was that girl for a long time.  Longer than I care to admit.  But I feel like I was that way because he never told me how he felt about me.  He flirted with other girls in front of me.  He never stuck up for me.  He made me feel like I was nothing...useless.  I fought to keep him in my life because I really thought I loved him and that he loved me back.  I'm not saying HE made me crazy (it's in my blood, really) but he certainly didn't make it easy for me to stay sane.  And then once he found someone not crazy, he dropped me like a bad habit.

It's pretty apparent that I've had quite a rough go of it when it comes to men.  I've never had a nice normal relationship where I love him and he loves me and we're happy.  That last sentence was borderline Barney wasn't it?  So I don't trust my taste anymore.  Every single guy I've ever fallen for has disappointed me...and done it really well.  Some of them, it's been quick--a few months.  Others it was drawn out over years.  Years I could have spent finding someone worth while.

But even with all the drama and the heart break...I have not settled.  There have been a couple nice guys here and there who have been interested in me...but there's just no spark there.  To quote Sex and the City...no zsa zsa zoo.  Sometimes people just end up in the friend zone and there's nothing you can do about it.  I tried, I did...with one guy I tried to just go with it because he liked me...but you can't force it.  You can't force liking someone just because they like you.  I've seen people settle for the next guy who showed some interest when they were sick and tired of looking--and maybe that worked for them...they might be legitimately happy right now...but I don't want to fake it.

http://www.zazzle.com/single_grad_straight_nice_guy_checklist_tshirt-235613283113663056

And I don't even really know what I want either...which doesn't help.  On the one hand I want an intellectual.  Someone I can spend five hours talking to.  Someone who is interesting and funny and clever and imaginative and open-minded and intuitive and educated.  And on the other hand I want someone who is nice and sweet and caring and honest and genuine.  I love it when a guy can write...or at least put his thoughts down in a coherent manner.  When a guy has the capability to write his thoughts down and manage to be entertaining as well as sound intelligent...I love that.  It's so impressive to me because so many guys can't write for shit.  They can't spell, they can't follow simple grammar rules, they can't write a complete sentence--let alone a paragraph.  It seriously hurts my head to read bad writing.  I can't stand it.  And I judge them...I do.  That's what makes online dating so damn tough.  It's like no one finished high school English.

But I also have this primal need to find a man who is tough.  Someone who can fix things.  Work with their hands.  Build things.  Grab something off the top shelf for me.  Open the jars I can't open.  Handle all the work I never cared to master.  I am most impressed when I meet a man who can do something I can't.  Not that I'm super woman by any means...but I've been on my own for 12 years.  I can take care of myself.  I don't need a man for anything in my life...I've already proved that.  I don't need a man to complete me.  I do not need a boyfriend to be fulfilled by any means.  But god help me if the guy can drive a stick shift!  Done and done.  When a guy has skills that I lack...I think, perfect fit!  And since I think I'm the shit...it's hard to find a guy who measures up to that...

There aren't too many people in the world that can be both good with their mind as well as their hands.  Someone cerebral and dexterous.  It's like right versus left brained--although that deals more with thinking analytically versus creatively it's on the same level.  I have met so many guys over the years...soooo many.  And I find something I like about each one...but rarely find one who has impressed me.   I guess it's just really hard to im-press me because most men just de-press me.  Every time I think I've found one who I think I could really see myself with...he never likes me back.  So how do I trust my own judgement when I keep picking out assholes or otherwise unavailable men?

It's so hard...I know what I like, I know what I want, but I also know what has happened when I find a guy I think fits my bill.  So do I just go completely against what I like?  I guess what I like, what I want, and what I need, are all a little different.  It seems impossible that I could ever meet a guy who can take care of all three for me.  I like a guy who can make me laugh, I want a guy who challenges me, and I need someone nice and sweet to love me forever.

Making me laugh is easy.  I'm easily amused.  Ask anyone who's gone to see a comedy in the theaters with me...I'm the crazy bitch in the back cackling at every semi-decent joke in the movie.  I like to laugh so it's not hard to force one out of me.  I can find something funny about just about anything.  That's just who I am.  I try my best to make other people laugh because making other people laugh makes me happy.  Finding someone who can keep up with my jokes and keep me laughing...rare indeed.

I also get bored easily.  If a guy doesn't challenge me in any way...I lose interest.  That's why I say I like intelligence.  I love listening to a guy speak intelligently about a topic he is passionate about.  Even if I don't agree or barely understand.  Watching a guy go off about something philosophical, or political, or religious, or whatever, it's just sexy.  Dead sexy to watch a guy's eyes light up about something other than sports.  I once watched a guy explain to me the project he was working on...and the excitement and hope that was in his eyes...I just wanted to jump him right there.  It was hot.  Not to mention he did good work...both on the project and between the sheets.

And it's true that nice guys finish last.  They are too shy and quiet and they don't speak up when they really need to.  But if you can coax one out of their shell...you realize there really are men out there who care about your feelings.  Men who aren't just looking for some pumped up life-sized Barbie doll who giggles at questions she doesn't understand.  There are just SOOO many guys who can't get past the idea that they can't have anything less than a hot girl--no matter what the cost.  They want a hot girl, but then they also say they don't want a crazy one.  Well, news flash boys...hot girls are the craziest!  They've gotten everything based on their looks so they never had to form a personality.  And they never will as long as guys keep giving them everything they should be giving the nice normal girls of the world.

http://thelovelylifeoflucas.tumblr.com/post/16766008646/if-youre-going-to-be-a-crazy-bitch-you-had-best

It's a two-way street, I know.  Nice guys say all girls want is a bad guy who treats them like shit.  And that's true...every guy I've ever wanted (save a couple misguided high school crushes and boyfriends) has treated me like shit.  Very very true.  However, I didn't want them to.  I didn't like it.  And I don't know that I'll put up with it again.  I'm too old for that shit.  I put my time in...I got jerked around.  I got stomped on.  And it really really sucked.  I will not let a man make me feel like shit again.  I am ready for a guy who will tell me how he feels.  Someone who will reassure me if I worry.  Someone who will stick up for me.  Someone who will treat me the way any decent human being should be treated.

I just don't know that this guy even exists.  Most of the good ones were picked up by my smarter sister friends who knew a good one when they found it.  They didn't waste too much time on guys that treated them like shit...or at least I hope they didn't.  All of my ex-boyfriends are married.  Almost all of my friends are married, or in serious long-term-live-in relationships.  In fact, most of them have children...some of them even have multiple children.  All I've ever wanted was to be a mother.  I played house fiercely when I was a little girl.  I haven't always known what I wanted to be career-wise...but I've always known I'd be a good mother.

Now that I'm getting older, the girl who wouldn't settle for just any asshole is now getting worried.  I spent so many years getting over the bad relationship.  I needed to prove that I didn't need a man to have worth.  I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy...that I was just in a crazy situation.  I needed to mend my self-esteem (and don't listen to the people who judge women who use sex as validation...it totally fucking is and there's nothing wrong with it!).  So I became my adult self.  I grew up.  I learned who I need to be to be happy.  I played that role happily for 5 years or so.  I'm not sure how much longer I can hold up the facade.

I'm not different now...I still know I don't need a man to complete me...but I do need a man if I want to be a mom.  I will never have the money to adopt or get artificially inseminated.  Never.  At this point I have half a mind to have lots of promiscuous sex and hope someone knocks me up.  Ideally I can just find someone to love and marry and make babies with.  Ideally.

I don't know.  I don't know what to do.  "Maybe you just need to stop trying so hard."  "Maybe you should stop looking."  "Maybe you need to try online dating."  "Maybe you need to try dating guys who aren't your typical type."  "Maybe you should try speed dating."  Maybe none of that shit works and it's all a bunch of bull crap that couples feed their sad single friends.  The truth is, I know people who have had love sneak up on them.  And I know people who dated many men before they found love.  It's all a crap shoot.  You can't force it.  You can't ignore it.  You can't go looking.  You can't just sit there and wait for it.  Back and fucking forth with the terrible advice that isn't helpful in any way because it's all right AND it's all wrong.

What the hell is a girl to do?  I'm so tired of looking.  I'm tired of not looking.  I'm tired of finding them and then they turn out to suck.  I'm tired of watching the ones I want go for skinny blonde girls with no personality.  I'm tired of listening to great guys talk about how their girlfriends are crazy bitches.  One guy I work with actually told me that he wished his girlfriend was on pills to take care of her crazy.  Really?  I mean, I've fucked a guy because he was hot.  For three years I had a completely shallow relationship with him...but I would have traded all of that in for one normal looking guy who could make me smile.  Seriously.

http://www.shinyshiny.tv/2008/07/galleries/shiny_gallery_t.php?pic=7

I know it's my fault too...I judge on looks...but I'm not insane about it.  If I found a guy out there who was the equivalent of me...I'd be good with that.  If I'm a 5 on a scale of 1-10...I want another 5.  I don't want a 1 because he's nice and I don't want a 10 because he's hot.  I want the 5 who doesn't resemble Sloth and who knows how to treat a girl.

I'm just waiting for the day where I look back on all this woe-is-me blog writing and thank god that I finally found someone to end the misery of my bitching blogs.  It seems to be all I can do these days.  I've raised my standards so that I won't sleep with just any schmuck from the bar...so now the man front is just completely done-zo.  But that means I don't have any funny "...so this one time when I took a guy home from the bar" stories to write.  And I don't have any "...oh look at how happy I am and how cute my family is" blogs either.  I'm in blog topic limbo.  But I feel better typing it up.  Even if no one reads it.  I say that a lot, and I mean it.  Just knowing one fool will make it all the way to the bottom of this post and commiserate with me is enough.

So for now...I will continue to look for my cowboy...provided he even exists...