My match.com ad
So in light of recent conversations I've had surrounding online dating and why I don't do it (single people get asked this question all the time), I decided to go hunting for my old "online-dating-ad" that I wrote up a while back. I went to match.com and typed in what I figured was my email/password for that site and found it right away--nice and hidden since 2007. It's from 2007 I think, maybe 2006. After re-reading it--post cynicism--I realize that if I were to post an ad today I'd go a completely different way. This one is just too optimistic and naive sounding.
Online dating is all about throwing out some quick and dirty details about yourself and then describing your perfect person. I have never been really good at describing what it is I look for in a guy...obviously you'll find out after you read my "ad"...so I guess that's why I never really took to online dating. I'm too much of a "writer" to choose 200 words to describe myself and who I want to spend the rest of my life with...
So even though I never did pay for the subscription to match.com...I still made up a profile and posted pictures and wrote out some crap. For your viewing pleasure...my almost match.com ad from 3 years ago! With red color commentary of course ;)
Picture it...I'm in a grocery store doing my daily shopping. I'm whistling along to my favorite tune on my headphones and I reach for the perfect melon. Just as my hand finds the melon to complete my masterpiece fruit salad recipe, I feel the touch of another person. Startled, I pull back and look at the owner of this hand. He is attractive and he's smiling at me. I blush and laugh coyley as we both tell the other to take the melon. Ten minutes later, after a fabulous introductory conversation, I am pushing my cart down the isle with this guy's phone number in my pocket and a date for Friday night. Apparently this scenario is fiction for several reasons. One, I can't whistle. Two, I can't cook well so I would never have a "masterpiece recipe" of any kind. And three, the odds of meeting someone nice while doing my every day activities is apparently about as good as me winning the pulitzer for that little story I just made up. I don't shop daily--not sure why I put that. For the record, if he's attractive and shopping at Woodman's, he's gay or married.
I once had this optimistic idea that moving to this big city full of wonderful oppurtunities meant that in no time flat I would find someone wonderful to spend my days with. I pictured us having a discussion about current events while drinking Starbucks. I saw us walking along the terrace on a sunny day talking about how we wish we had a boat to take on the water. I could envision the concerts, movies, comedy acts, and sporting events I would be enjoying with the company of a nice guy. That part is still true, I guess. I have long since lost my optimism that Madison holds the man of my dreams however. This city has chewed me up and spit me out. All the men I've met here (all 3 of them I actually even liked) have pretty much followed suit.
Late nights downtown, early mornings on the west side, evenings in the park, weekend drives to the Dells. Catching some sun and some food by the capital at the Taste of Madison and freezing our bums at the Kohl center cheering on the hockey team. So far these are all just my crazy dreams of what might be. I used to think these sites were for depressed, lonely, husband-hunting women. Now I realize it might help out a crazy-busy girl who doesn't have time to wait for that grocery store moment that may never come. I used to think all these things came with living in Madison. I realize now that this is just what the brochures have on them and that it takes actual money to do all these things.
I want that weekend where I wake up really early, my guy comes and gets me with his cooler of beer and brats and we head out to the game to tailgate with some mutual friends. Maybe we make it to the game, maybe we just spend it grilling and enjoying each other's company while the stats come out of the radio. Either way, I win. This is the perfect place to find a guy like that, and yet here I sit typing up what I want for a "pefect match." This IS the perfect place to find a guy like that...if you're 22 and from the East coast. If you're me...you're best bet is staying in your hometown where the pool of single, eligible, childless women is MUCH smaller.
I don't think this little box is going to be able to describe me and who I am. I also don't think I can just list of adjectives of what I want to find. I've always been better describing thoughts and feelings as oppose to just listing cold hard facts out on paper for someone to make a check list and see if they measure up. All those extra details will come out eventually and either we work, or we don't. You may not like the card shark I become when we sit down to play poker, I may not like the terrible mix cd you have in your car's cd player. I bet I cry at movies you would never watch and you play video games I'm not interested in. But I think finding all that stuff out is half the fun. This part is still true. I'd probably keep that if I wrote one today.
I'm ready to meet the guy who is going to be honest and sincere and open to new things. I'm looking for someone who will pull me off the couch and out to a game and will let me choose the comedian we see at the club. I need someone who is willing to lose at every trivia game we play...because I'm just that good. I also need someone who will let me win at Risk because I have a hard time attacking countries I want to visit someday. I really am good at trivia. Too bad I don't ever get to use that skill to "win" me a man. If we're gonna get down to brass tacks here though...at this point I'd settle for a guy who is nice to me and doesn't resemble Sloth from The Goonies.
I have this crazy sense of humor and a stand up act I sometimes don't know that I start to do until I hear myself saying "wow, tough crowd..." You should know I sing karaoke and I think I'm good. You should know I have a cat, but I'm not getting ten more and growing old with them. You should also know, by now, that I have a lot to say. After all that, do you want to know more? Sadly I still sing karaoke. I also really wish I could get another pet to keep my cat entertained while I'm gone...aka...another cat. I'd get a dog if I had someone to help take care of it and a place to live that allowed them.
Online dating is all about throwing out some quick and dirty details about yourself and then describing your perfect person. I have never been really good at describing what it is I look for in a guy...obviously you'll find out after you read my "ad"...so I guess that's why I never really took to online dating. I'm too much of a "writer" to choose 200 words to describe myself and who I want to spend the rest of my life with...
So even though I never did pay for the subscription to match.com...I still made up a profile and posted pictures and wrote out some crap. For your viewing pleasure...my almost match.com ad from 3 years ago! With red color commentary of course ;)
Picture it...I'm in a grocery store doing my daily shopping. I'm whistling along to my favorite tune on my headphones and I reach for the perfect melon. Just as my hand finds the melon to complete my masterpiece fruit salad recipe, I feel the touch of another person. Startled, I pull back and look at the owner of this hand. He is attractive and he's smiling at me. I blush and laugh coyley as we both tell the other to take the melon. Ten minutes later, after a fabulous introductory conversation, I am pushing my cart down the isle with this guy's phone number in my pocket and a date for Friday night. Apparently this scenario is fiction for several reasons. One, I can't whistle. Two, I can't cook well so I would never have a "masterpiece recipe" of any kind. And three, the odds of meeting someone nice while doing my every day activities is apparently about as good as me winning the pulitzer for that little story I just made up. I don't shop daily--not sure why I put that. For the record, if he's attractive and shopping at Woodman's, he's gay or married.
I once had this optimistic idea that moving to this big city full of wonderful oppurtunities meant that in no time flat I would find someone wonderful to spend my days with. I pictured us having a discussion about current events while drinking Starbucks. I saw us walking along the terrace on a sunny day talking about how we wish we had a boat to take on the water. I could envision the concerts, movies, comedy acts, and sporting events I would be enjoying with the company of a nice guy. That part is still true, I guess. I have long since lost my optimism that Madison holds the man of my dreams however. This city has chewed me up and spit me out. All the men I've met here (all 3 of them I actually even liked) have pretty much followed suit.
Late nights downtown, early mornings on the west side, evenings in the park, weekend drives to the Dells. Catching some sun and some food by the capital at the Taste of Madison and freezing our bums at the Kohl center cheering on the hockey team. So far these are all just my crazy dreams of what might be. I used to think these sites were for depressed, lonely, husband-hunting women. Now I realize it might help out a crazy-busy girl who doesn't have time to wait for that grocery store moment that may never come. I used to think all these things came with living in Madison. I realize now that this is just what the brochures have on them and that it takes actual money to do all these things.
I want that weekend where I wake up really early, my guy comes and gets me with his cooler of beer and brats and we head out to the game to tailgate with some mutual friends. Maybe we make it to the game, maybe we just spend it grilling and enjoying each other's company while the stats come out of the radio. Either way, I win. This is the perfect place to find a guy like that, and yet here I sit typing up what I want for a "pefect match." This IS the perfect place to find a guy like that...if you're 22 and from the East coast. If you're me...you're best bet is staying in your hometown where the pool of single, eligible, childless women is MUCH smaller.
I don't think this little box is going to be able to describe me and who I am. I also don't think I can just list of adjectives of what I want to find. I've always been better describing thoughts and feelings as oppose to just listing cold hard facts out on paper for someone to make a check list and see if they measure up. All those extra details will come out eventually and either we work, or we don't. You may not like the card shark I become when we sit down to play poker, I may not like the terrible mix cd you have in your car's cd player. I bet I cry at movies you would never watch and you play video games I'm not interested in. But I think finding all that stuff out is half the fun. This part is still true. I'd probably keep that if I wrote one today.
I'm ready to meet the guy who is going to be honest and sincere and open to new things. I'm looking for someone who will pull me off the couch and out to a game and will let me choose the comedian we see at the club. I need someone who is willing to lose at every trivia game we play...because I'm just that good. I also need someone who will let me win at Risk because I have a hard time attacking countries I want to visit someday. I really am good at trivia. Too bad I don't ever get to use that skill to "win" me a man. If we're gonna get down to brass tacks here though...at this point I'd settle for a guy who is nice to me and doesn't resemble Sloth from The Goonies.
I have this crazy sense of humor and a stand up act I sometimes don't know that I start to do until I hear myself saying "wow, tough crowd..." You should know I sing karaoke and I think I'm good. You should know I have a cat, but I'm not getting ten more and growing old with them. You should also know, by now, that I have a lot to say. After all that, do you want to know more? Sadly I still sing karaoke. I also really wish I could get another pet to keep my cat entertained while I'm gone...aka...another cat. I'd get a dog if I had someone to help take care of it and a place to live that allowed them.
for fun:
I can pretty much make anything I'm doing fun. It's all about perspective. I bring fun with me where ever I go (pending appropriateness). I live my life to enjoy every minute. If I don't like something I change it or I learn to love it. This absolutely no longer applies to my life. I am bitter and resentful. I'm just lucky people still call me to hang out some days.
my job:
I work for an insurance company in the underwriting department. It's not my dream job or my forever job, but it does allow me to stop clicking the "less than $25, 000" bubble! I'm back in insurance--some things never change...however as a temp I think I still click the "less than $25,000 bubble."
my ethnicity:
I'm 1/4 Mexican and I'm very protective of that 1/4. Even though I am as white as they come...I love my dad and his family and I'm very proud to have this tiny smidgeon of ethnicity in my blood. Otherwise...I got a load of German going on too... Still true. I am more Mexican than you are.
favorite hot spots:
My friends and I tend to stick to the west side of town because we all work and live over here. We enjoy happy hours--after grueling days of work--at sports bars close to our office. We save downtown for special "let's be students again" nights. Now I work downtown...but with people less likely to join me for happy hour. It's a good and a bad thing I suppose as it keeps my ass of the barstools. I do NOT do downtown as a pseudo student anymore. In fact, students annoy me. I know I look like one...but I'm pretty much done acting like one.
favorite things:
Favorite things: trivia, books, writing, concerts, movies, lazy Saturdays, productive Mondays, soft green grass, tv season dvds, plant life, sunshine, the water, traveling, the ocean, birds chirping, rainy nights, thunderstorms... I'd have to change lazy Saturdays to Sundays (case in point) and probably take out the Monday thing. I can't even do my job without having every last piece of work I do get audited so there's nothing productive about my Mondays. All the rest of that still applies to this day.
last read:
I just finished Wicked by Gregory Maguire...I have a new love for the Wicked Witch of the West! I'm currently reading Even Cowgirls Get the Blues by Tom Robbins...love his un-p/c writing. And up next is Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac. While it's true I had the Jack Kerouac book borrowed, I never did read it. I read many more Tom Robbins novels and loved them! Then I met the Twilight Series...this I'd keep to myself in an online ad however.
So I didn't keep the ad up any longer than the free trial allowed...which is probably a good thing. I never met any dude online worth chatting with because I'm waaay too judgmental about guys on paper. If I meet a guy and I like him and we get along and then later I find out he can't write to save his ass...I'm probably more forgiving. If I go online to read an ad and he can't write to save his ass...I click and go to the next guy. Being that most men aren't Steven King...they probably aren't going to write an online ad that sparks my fancy.
I get too annoyed by grammatical errors online to ever pay attention to what the guy is actually saying. I usually come across about 5 ads in 100 that I get really excited about and message the guy (otherwise I let them do all the messaging) and then I usually never hear back from these guys because they are too busy chatting with the "body type: athletic" girls. I always go for the more blase description of "curvy" because I find "a few extra pounds" to be ridiculous since most of America IS carrying around these pounds but that's not how anyone wants to describe themselves!
Pictures suck too. I post head shots because I feel like a nice full length photo of myself will upload and quickly be closed on their pursuit of a girl who's got a picture up of her in her bikini on spring break down on Daytona Beach. Sure...my pixelated face may cause them to open my profile...and my witty description of how searching for a man is like trying to find the perfect french fry may entertain some...I just can't compete with some of these girls online. Guys don't want an introspective writer with a genuine smile and a sense of humor which is why I bomb at online dating.
If I'm too picky and judgmental of how men write up their profiles and they're too picky about my body type and actual need to use my brain...then we're never going to match up no matter how much the website shows that we have in common! I think people get blown off online quicker than they would in person...if not just because of common manners...but also because you can just click to the next profile if you don't like what you see. In life you can't just sit at a bar and talk to someone for 3 minutes and then click your mouse and have a new guy sitting next to you... If only it were that easy!
What ever happened to the days of "If you like pina coladas...and getting caught in the rain..."? They probably went out of style just like those little newspaper ads "SWF seeks SM, 25-32. You: good job, likes cats. Me: wearing red leather and ball-gag..." Yeah those ads sometimes said so much with so little...
Sometimes I get bored and peruse the online dating websites just to get a feel for what's out there...but I try not to do that too much because sometimes I run across an ad I just HAVE to answer and then I sign up for a free-trial...wink, send a message, send a smile, whatever the hell the site offers for free...to the guy and never hear back. But in the meantime I have 40 year old men who barely speak English blowing up my inbox...
That, my friends, is why I don't date online.
What ever happened to the days of "If you like pina coladas...and getting caught in the rain..."? They probably went out of style just like those little newspaper ads "SWF seeks SM, 25-32. You: good job, likes cats. Me: wearing red leather and ball-gag..." Yeah those ads sometimes said so much with so little...
Sometimes I get bored and peruse the online dating websites just to get a feel for what's out there...but I try not to do that too much because sometimes I run across an ad I just HAVE to answer and then I sign up for a free-trial...wink, send a message, send a smile, whatever the hell the site offers for free...to the guy and never hear back. But in the meantime I have 40 year old men who barely speak English blowing up my inbox...
That, my friends, is why I don't date online.
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