Rest in Peace Arnold
It's December. The hardest month of the entire year for me. And for my family. Next week Thursday is December 17th. That day never really meant that much to me until 2006. On December 17th, 2006 my sister threw a party for my niece who had turned one on the 15th. It was a Sunday. The party was at the bowling alley in town because we know the owners and they have a big room right in front we got to use for free. I drove up from Madison for the party. My niece was wearing the outfit I had bought her for her birthday. My entire extended family was there.
I had partied a little too hardy that Saturday night and was hungover so when my mom asked me what I wanted to drink I could only answer with "big bloody mary." I didn't really like it. Small town bloody marys are typically glorified tomato juice and vodka. But I drank it anyway...slowly, but surely.
My brother showed up to the party late. He was wearing that same damn navy blue and red sweater he always wore. I swore to myself that guy needed a personal shopper. He never really cared what he looked like anyway. He brought in his recently separated wife. They had separated before summer and apparently were working on getting back together. No one in my family trusted her yet. She had broken Arnold's heart. Arnold is my big brother. He's the oldest, first born, family favorite! We all cared about him more than he knew and watching him mend himself was--at the time--the hardest thing we'd ever had to do.
He walked in with her and right away the gossip started. They sat by my aunt and uncle who are much more in to forgiveness than I am. That was probably for the best...but I really wish I would've just gotten over myself and sat down and had a conversation with them too. But no, instead I found myself sitting up at the bar with my mom and a family friend asking the question "what was he thinking bringing her?"
We weren't ready to forgive and forget. I know I wasn't at least. I lived with him for a month after they had broken up and I watched him sleep on the couch every night because he didn't want to sleep in the bed they had shared. I watched him sit on the couch night after night because he was too depressed to go out and do anything. I listened to his nonsense talk about her and basically said the same thing to him over and over. Get over her and move on!
I was in between jobs for 2 weeks when I lived with him and I cleaned his place top to bottom. It was a total disaster and reminders of the two of them were everywhere. I threw everything away that had any connection to her. I organized everything and cleaned it so well that the place shined. I told him over and over that he needed to go out and be with his friends. Perhaps even meet some girls.
He had told me that he was never going to fall in love again. That whenever he felt he couldn't walk away from a situation--he would do just that. He never wanted to get close to anyone again. This is what I had to go on...so when I got the call from my mom that he had been wearing his wedding ring and hanging out with the very girl that caused this change in him...I was cautious to say the least.
I remember he came up to the bar next to me and ordered a beer. I remember I said to him "Arnold, I don't know how to act towards her right now" or something to that effect. All he said to me was "Be nice." I wasn't sure I was capable of that...but I would try. If that's what he wanted...I would try. But I never got the chance. I'm pretty sure she was feeling the unwanted vibe so they ended up leaving the party early. I think he was upset with all of us that we didn't just open our arms to her and welcome her back.
I wanted to do a Christmas present for my parents that included pictures of us as kids. I had called him and left a message but he never called me back. Later I was talking to my mom and she told me that she had had a long conversation with Arnold and he was mad at all of us and not talking to us because we wouldn't accept the woman he loved back in to his life. At the time I just blew it off. Whatever, don't worry about it, he just needs to give us time to start trusting her again. I didn't care that he wasn't talking to us at that time...he was my brother...he would come around. You can't ignore family for that long...
When Christmas came he decided not to spend it with us. I was pissed at him for missing the holiday. His birthday is the 27th so usually he just got one really big present for both occasions. We all opened our presents while his just sat there on the kitchen table.
Two days later it was the 27th and I was at work. I decided not to call him because I didn't figure he'd answer anyway so I just texted him "Happy Birthday Big Brother!" so that he knew I was thinking about him. I never got a text message back...but I didn't think much of that either. My brother wasn't much of a texter anyway.
Unfortunately this was one of those situations where you think you have all the time in the world to fix something and we didn't. You think your big brother is going to grow old with you and the rest of your siblings. You figure that you have at least another 50 years to spend with someone. But I didn't. I had only 25 years with my big brother before he took his life on New Year's Eve 2006.
I never did get that chance to apologize to him for not supporting him when he needed it the most. I never got the chance to see him open up the present my parent's got him. I never got to tell him that I love him no matter what decisions he makes in his life, even if I don't agree with them. I never got to tell him how much he means to me or how much I needed him or how much our family needed him. He was a rock in our family. He was the oldest. He was the first born son. He shared my entire life with me. And I miss him so much.
My family fell apart on December 31st, 2006. We were all changed in a way that no family should ever be changed. Then again, my family came back together on January 1st, 2007. God I can't believe this year marks the 3rd year of my life without him. New Years was always my favorite holiday because it marks an ending and a beginning all in one night. If the passing year wasn't so good, then the new year means a chance to start new, start again, start over. If it was a good year then the 31st is a night to celebrate the year that has passed and to be excited for all the new opportunities coming in the new year.
That's what it used to mean to me. Now it is a forever reminder for the rest of my life that my brother is no longer with me. It is a reminder that my family is missing this big piece that makes us whole. I cry more in the month of December than I do the entire year leading up to it. The 17th is the last day I ever saw or spoke to my brother. I hold that memory dear even though it is only a few short minutes of memory that I have. As much as I want to kick myself for not having driven over to his house on Christmas day and knocking down his door...there is no sense in beating yourself up over something you have no control over.
While it is a reminder of my brother's death...it is also a reminder of his memories and the time we did get with him. I got 25 fantastic years with him. I have thousands and thousands of memories of us and for those I am thankful. Even though when my brother left us he took his piece of the puzzle with him...we have been able to fill in the missing hole with our thoughts, our memories, and our constant love for him.
The ones I feel for the most are my little sister, brother, and niece because they had such a short time with him. Also for any other family members that will be added in the future who never got to meet him. I can only hope that by telling my stories of him and showing pictures and sharing memories that I can bring him back to life for them as well. I stay strong when I am with them and leave times like these for me to break down. I think they need to see strength in me so that they can find their own and keep on keeping on.
The best we can do is honor his memory and remember the times we had with him. I believe our family bond is now stronger than it was before because we have known such a loss. It is something I would not wish on anyone and I hope by telling my story that someone out there will call their brother, their sister, whoever, and tell them how much they love them right now. Go ahead...pick up the phone...
I wish I could call Arnold right now and tell him my man troubles like I used to. I wish I could go out to the bar with him and get embarrassed when he gets drunk and decides to profess how much he loves his little sister to everyone in the bar. I wish I could hear him bitch about me needing to play Bing Crosby when we open our Christmas presents. I wish I could give him hell for loving egg nog but hating anything else with eggs in it. I wish I could play euchre with him one more time because we were great partners! I wish I could invite him down to Madison to ring in 2010 with me. I wish, I wish, I wish...
He is my reminder every year to keep on living. Keep on living life and be thankful for the love, the family, and the friends I have. I know I am loved even if sometimes I feel all alone. I know I have a list a mile long of people I could call up to reassure me that I am needed even when I feel like no one cares. He has taught me to not take things for granted and that includes the love of my family. No matter how tough things get in my life, I know I have been through the worst. I am still here even after the devastation of losing my big brother and that is strength I can carry with me.
I know he's always with me and I am comforted by the thought that I will see him again in another life. I will continue to live...for him.
I had partied a little too hardy that Saturday night and was hungover so when my mom asked me what I wanted to drink I could only answer with "big bloody mary." I didn't really like it. Small town bloody marys are typically glorified tomato juice and vodka. But I drank it anyway...slowly, but surely.
My brother showed up to the party late. He was wearing that same damn navy blue and red sweater he always wore. I swore to myself that guy needed a personal shopper. He never really cared what he looked like anyway. He brought in his recently separated wife. They had separated before summer and apparently were working on getting back together. No one in my family trusted her yet. She had broken Arnold's heart. Arnold is my big brother. He's the oldest, first born, family favorite! We all cared about him more than he knew and watching him mend himself was--at the time--the hardest thing we'd ever had to do.
He walked in with her and right away the gossip started. They sat by my aunt and uncle who are much more in to forgiveness than I am. That was probably for the best...but I really wish I would've just gotten over myself and sat down and had a conversation with them too. But no, instead I found myself sitting up at the bar with my mom and a family friend asking the question "what was he thinking bringing her?"
We weren't ready to forgive and forget. I know I wasn't at least. I lived with him for a month after they had broken up and I watched him sleep on the couch every night because he didn't want to sleep in the bed they had shared. I watched him sit on the couch night after night because he was too depressed to go out and do anything. I listened to his nonsense talk about her and basically said the same thing to him over and over. Get over her and move on!
I was in between jobs for 2 weeks when I lived with him and I cleaned his place top to bottom. It was a total disaster and reminders of the two of them were everywhere. I threw everything away that had any connection to her. I organized everything and cleaned it so well that the place shined. I told him over and over that he needed to go out and be with his friends. Perhaps even meet some girls.
He had told me that he was never going to fall in love again. That whenever he felt he couldn't walk away from a situation--he would do just that. He never wanted to get close to anyone again. This is what I had to go on...so when I got the call from my mom that he had been wearing his wedding ring and hanging out with the very girl that caused this change in him...I was cautious to say the least.
I remember he came up to the bar next to me and ordered a beer. I remember I said to him "Arnold, I don't know how to act towards her right now" or something to that effect. All he said to me was "Be nice." I wasn't sure I was capable of that...but I would try. If that's what he wanted...I would try. But I never got the chance. I'm pretty sure she was feeling the unwanted vibe so they ended up leaving the party early. I think he was upset with all of us that we didn't just open our arms to her and welcome her back.
I wanted to do a Christmas present for my parents that included pictures of us as kids. I had called him and left a message but he never called me back. Later I was talking to my mom and she told me that she had had a long conversation with Arnold and he was mad at all of us and not talking to us because we wouldn't accept the woman he loved back in to his life. At the time I just blew it off. Whatever, don't worry about it, he just needs to give us time to start trusting her again. I didn't care that he wasn't talking to us at that time...he was my brother...he would come around. You can't ignore family for that long...
When Christmas came he decided not to spend it with us. I was pissed at him for missing the holiday. His birthday is the 27th so usually he just got one really big present for both occasions. We all opened our presents while his just sat there on the kitchen table.
Two days later it was the 27th and I was at work. I decided not to call him because I didn't figure he'd answer anyway so I just texted him "Happy Birthday Big Brother!" so that he knew I was thinking about him. I never got a text message back...but I didn't think much of that either. My brother wasn't much of a texter anyway.
Unfortunately this was one of those situations where you think you have all the time in the world to fix something and we didn't. You think your big brother is going to grow old with you and the rest of your siblings. You figure that you have at least another 50 years to spend with someone. But I didn't. I had only 25 years with my big brother before he took his life on New Year's Eve 2006.
I never did get that chance to apologize to him for not supporting him when he needed it the most. I never got the chance to see him open up the present my parent's got him. I never got to tell him that I love him no matter what decisions he makes in his life, even if I don't agree with them. I never got to tell him how much he means to me or how much I needed him or how much our family needed him. He was a rock in our family. He was the oldest. He was the first born son. He shared my entire life with me. And I miss him so much.
My family fell apart on December 31st, 2006. We were all changed in a way that no family should ever be changed. Then again, my family came back together on January 1st, 2007. God I can't believe this year marks the 3rd year of my life without him. New Years was always my favorite holiday because it marks an ending and a beginning all in one night. If the passing year wasn't so good, then the new year means a chance to start new, start again, start over. If it was a good year then the 31st is a night to celebrate the year that has passed and to be excited for all the new opportunities coming in the new year.
That's what it used to mean to me. Now it is a forever reminder for the rest of my life that my brother is no longer with me. It is a reminder that my family is missing this big piece that makes us whole. I cry more in the month of December than I do the entire year leading up to it. The 17th is the last day I ever saw or spoke to my brother. I hold that memory dear even though it is only a few short minutes of memory that I have. As much as I want to kick myself for not having driven over to his house on Christmas day and knocking down his door...there is no sense in beating yourself up over something you have no control over.
While it is a reminder of my brother's death...it is also a reminder of his memories and the time we did get with him. I got 25 fantastic years with him. I have thousands and thousands of memories of us and for those I am thankful. Even though when my brother left us he took his piece of the puzzle with him...we have been able to fill in the missing hole with our thoughts, our memories, and our constant love for him.
The ones I feel for the most are my little sister, brother, and niece because they had such a short time with him. Also for any other family members that will be added in the future who never got to meet him. I can only hope that by telling my stories of him and showing pictures and sharing memories that I can bring him back to life for them as well. I stay strong when I am with them and leave times like these for me to break down. I think they need to see strength in me so that they can find their own and keep on keeping on.
The best we can do is honor his memory and remember the times we had with him. I believe our family bond is now stronger than it was before because we have known such a loss. It is something I would not wish on anyone and I hope by telling my story that someone out there will call their brother, their sister, whoever, and tell them how much they love them right now. Go ahead...pick up the phone...
I wish I could call Arnold right now and tell him my man troubles like I used to. I wish I could go out to the bar with him and get embarrassed when he gets drunk and decides to profess how much he loves his little sister to everyone in the bar. I wish I could hear him bitch about me needing to play Bing Crosby when we open our Christmas presents. I wish I could give him hell for loving egg nog but hating anything else with eggs in it. I wish I could play euchre with him one more time because we were great partners! I wish I could invite him down to Madison to ring in 2010 with me. I wish, I wish, I wish...
He is my reminder every year to keep on living. Keep on living life and be thankful for the love, the family, and the friends I have. I know I am loved even if sometimes I feel all alone. I know I have a list a mile long of people I could call up to reassure me that I am needed even when I feel like no one cares. He has taught me to not take things for granted and that includes the love of my family. No matter how tough things get in my life, I know I have been through the worst. I am still here even after the devastation of losing my big brother and that is strength I can carry with me.
I know he's always with me and I am comforted by the thought that I will see him again in another life. I will continue to live...for him.
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